[2035] in Humor
HUMOR: Hermann Hates Boston Drivers
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Apr 21 14:55:36 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 14:47:52 EDT
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 1997 20:10:15 -0500
From: pug@alum.mit.edu (Sharalee M. Field)
Subject: Boston Drivers...
Hermann Hates BOSTON DRIVERS
--a column that brakes for nobody--
Copyright 1997 by Andrew Hermann
Let me just preface this column by making one thing clear: I like
Boston. Boston is a fine city with many outstanding social, cultural,
and architectural attractions, and if you extend the term "Boston" to
include neighboring towns like Brookline, Cambridge, and Somerville,
you not only piss off the residents of those neighboring towns, you
make "Boston" one of the coolest metropolitan areas on earth.
The only thing I really don't like about Boston is crossing the street.
When I first moved here, my impression of Boston traffic was one of
total anarchy. You never knew what was going to happen when you
stepped off the curb. If I was in the crosswalk, cars sailed past
with horns blaring. If I jaywalked, people skidded to a halt and
cheerfully waved me across into the path of the bus coming up behind
them in the passing lane.
On the other hand, being in the passenger seat with some of Boston's
most egregious "Massholes" makes jaywalking seem about as dangerous as
pinochle. Squealing tires, flipped middle fingers, and extreme
close-ups of other vehicles' rear bumpers are all part of the
experience. I once commented gratefully to a friend of mine on the
contoured hand-grip in his passenger- side door handle, and was
informed that the door handle hadn't originally come that way.
Well, I've now lived in Boston long enough to learn that traffic
patterns in this city aren't based on anarchy. There are definite
rules that can be used to anticipate the behavior of other drivers and
help you reach your destination intact and on time. So next time
you're in Boston, remember these few simple guidelines.
First, for drivers:
RED LIGHTS. In Boston, other vehicles flock to red lights like flies
to sugar. Therefore, it is always best to accelerate towards a red
light as fast as is humanly and mechanically possible. If you don't,
cars and trucks will pull out of parking spaces, driveways, loading
docks, and side streets ahead of you so fast that you'll be stopped
dead in your tracks before you can say "gridlock." [Also it is
forbidden to stop at red lights on major thoroughfares after midnight,
lest you block the important truck traffic at that hour... -psl]
CROSSWALKS. Similar to red lights, crosswalks, when clear, should be
accelerated towards with all due haste and recklessness. Boston
walkers, like dogs, can sense fear and will strike without hesitation
if you don't step on that gas pedal. For those occasions when you
come to a crosswalk that is already in use, make sure you bring a good
book and perhaps a few sandwiches. Once they've secured a crosswalk,
Boston pedestrians will cling to their position tenaciously and it may
be hours before you can spot a chink in their defenses large enough to
force your way through.
Remember: it IS illegal to run over a pedestrian in a crosswalk. It's
also illegal to run over a jaywalker, which seems really unfair, but
apparently the authorities think your driving skills lack the pinpoint
precision necessary to strike to wound, and that death is an
excessively harsh punishment for stepping out from behind a parked
delivery truck into the path of twenty oncoming commuters who are
already late for work because they had to sit for half an hour at that
crosswalk two blocks back.
TURNS. All Boston intersections have double left-turn and right-turn
lanes, even if there are only two lanes in total. If you're making a
right turn-- or a left turn off of a one-way street--red lights and
stop signs do not apply to you. If you are the second car waiting to
make a left turn, give the first car a five-second grace period and
then go ahead and turn left whether they have yet or not. If they do
start to turn left and cut off oncoming traffic, use them to screen
you and make your left turn beside them --this is known as the
"pick-and-roll" and is a perfectly legal maneuver since you are not
actually obstructing anyone who has the right-of-way.
SIGNALING. When turning right, to avoid confusion, use your turn
signal only after you have already started your turn. Otherwise, cars
behind you might assume you're just double-parking and try to cut you
off before they notice you're still moving. Turning left in Boston
requires tremendous concentration and it is therefore best not to use
your turn signal at all.
ONE-WAY STREETS. All greater Boston streets are two-way after the
bars close.
ROTARIES. There are no traffic laws within Boston rotaries. It's
every man , woman, and drunk teenager for themselves. Watch the
chariot scene from "Ben Hur" for tips and tricks and then go get
'em. [Actually, there is one law; it comes from sailing's "Rule of the
Road" and says that the car on the right has the right-of-way... so
the car entering the rotary has the right of way... Think of it as
the gridlock guarantee! -psl]
BREAKDOWN LANES. Due to an obscure land exchange act from the 1870's,
all breakdown lanes in greater Boston are actually under Montana state
jurisdiction and therefore have no enforced speed limit. Driving in
them at maximum velocity is actually quite safe, as most Boston
vehicles are totalled long before they reach the point of breaking
down.
MERGES. This "You go, then I'll go" stuff is for drivers of a lesser
ilk. In Boston the rule is this: whoever's front bumper has forward
position is not responsible for the ensuing collision. So check to
make sure the car next to you looks like it's insured, stick your nose
in there, and go for it
