[2027] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: COBOL
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sat Apr 19 12:34:33 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 12:33:14 EDT
From: Cristobal Joseevich Junta <grisha@MIT.EDU>
From: irina.shulmanovich@gs.com (Irina Shulmanovich)
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 97 12:03:10 EDT
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of
this story, we'll call him Goovoo. After years of being taken for granted
and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and
Client/Server programmers and website developers, Goovoo was finally getting
some respect. He'd become a private consultant specialising in Year 2000
conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies,
travelling all over the world on different assignments. He was working
70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Goovoo. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of
the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort
of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid
the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Goovoo decided to contact a company that specialised in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very
expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he
would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations
and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about
except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date,
he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that
was that.
The next thing that Goovoo saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and
"It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever
seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward.
Goovoo couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions
and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Goovoo's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Goovoo that he shouldn't get
excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of
Earth. He told Goovoo not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be
alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space
program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars.
That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual
reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet,
or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Goovoo. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so
interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
