[2015] in Humor
[Lynne.K.Fonteneau-McCann@williams.edu (Lynne): Humor]
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (hak)
Sat Apr 12 00:40:33 1997
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 97 00:39:26 EST
From: acheman@MIT.EDU (hak)
To: warmsley@concentric.net
Cc: humor@MIT.EDU
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Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 11:26:54 -0400
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From: Lynne.K.Fonteneau-McCann@williams.edu (Lynne)
Subject: Humor
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>>> It has become commonplace to read in our newpapers of a crime
somehwere in America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude.
>>>
>>> Droll though these news items may be, they reflect an overlooked
cost of our current national crisis in education. The basic learning
skills of criminals have deteriorated to a shocking degree.
>>>
>>> Consider the following:
>>>
>>> o ITEM. A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the
following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on
your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks
or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too."
>>>
>>> Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says
such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see
poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement,
spelling and clarity," he moaned.
>>>
>>> Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes
could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing.
>>>
>>> "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of
your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes
get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the
gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea --
the robbery."
>>>
>>> o ITEM. In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube
magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's
family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's
edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to
China.
>>>
>>> This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call.
They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper.
Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was
refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be
sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding
different issues of _Success_ magazine.
>>>
>>> They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended.
They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle
involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just
some kind of tradition," said one. Educators agree that such mix-ups point
to poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current events,
and failure to complete work in the time allotted.
>>>
>>> o ITEM. Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut
through a safe using a Lazer Tag gun.
>>>
>>> o ITEM. Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek
plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew
it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.
>>>
>>> o ITEM. Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with
three Saint Bernard dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws
of a farmer, after having failed to correctly identify the valuable
cattle on the premises.
>>>
>>> "No problem-solving abilities, no communication
skills, no 'plays and relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional
director J. Paine Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality.
"We are talking plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys."
>>>
>>> By contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range
10 to 15 points higher than their American counterparts in basic skills
>>>tests.
>>>
>>> In the Japanese underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to
execute a thoughtful, grammatical, error-free crime.
>>>
>>> Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding
a total overhaul of the educational system. "For all their acumen," he
says, "Japanese criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre
you see in our guys."
>
>
Lynne K. Fonteneau McCann
Archives Assistant
Williams College Archives and Special Collections
(413) 597-2568
e-mail: Lynne.K.Fonteneau-McCann@williams.edu
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