[1990] in Humor
HUMOR: A slight bit of moderate discomfort
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Apr 3 11:04:06 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 03 Apr 1997 10:56:41 EST
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 23:02:47 -0800
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
A SLIGHT BIT OF MODERATE DISCOMFORT
by Mary Cartledge-Hayes
I've been confused lately by the arguments in the popular press over the
Testicular Imaging Device. Why do you suppose there's so much resistance to
this medical miracle?
In case you haven't read about this machine, it's the new and highly
effective method of diagnosing testicular problems at an early stage, when
the highest likelihood for complete recovery exists. In this noninvasive
procedure, the testicles are placed on a metal plate which has been cooled
to 33 degrees. A pre-calibrated device the aligns the mass, automatically
flattening it to the correct density between two moving steel plates, after
which a radiological image is produced. The entire procedure generally
takes less than forty minutes.
The test is well enough thought of that both the AMA and major insurance
companies have begun urging patients to include it in routine annual
physicals.
"Why wait for problems? Get your baseline at age 38 and one a year for the
rest of your life, and you'll never need to lose another night's sleep
worrying," three out of four doctors urge.
Contrary to what one might suppose, resistance is not centered on concern
over the radiology involved. That issue was fully addressed early on.
"There aren't any guarantees in new technology like this," commented one
researcher who asked to remain nameless. "In fact, we'll probably need to
zap an entire generation and check the cancer rates before we can be one
hundred per cent certain. But we have full confidence in this machine; we
know it's a lifesaver."
The people questioning this conclusion are the ones now benefiting from it,
those who've undergone the procedure. Reported comments in from diagnostic
clinics range from "Oh my God!" to "Turn this bastard off before I break
your neck!"
While it's true that the testicles are squashed flat, authorities emphasize
that the procedure is not painful.
"Some people will undergo a slight bit of moderate discomfort. We suspect
it's related to hormone levels, or maybe date of the last ejaculation. But
you also have to remember that some men are so eager for sympathy -- their
wives don't understand them or the kids are demanding or the boss is giving
them a hard time --that they use this as an opportunity to vent their
frustration. And we understand that. We just hope people won't use that as
a crutch to explain away their indifference to good health."
The medical community remains surprised by the strength of the resistance.
"We didn't have anywhere near this much trouble selling the mammogram,"
said one noted doctor who requested anonymity, "and it's basically the same
technique. Go figure."
People who have undergone TID respond variously to that comment.
"Women are stupid," said one.
"You're dealing with delicate tissue here," said another. "Well, yeah,
maybe breasts are delicate, too, but it isn't the same."
The third interviewee was more forthright.
"The deal with women," he said, "is that they're easily frightened. You
threaten them with death, and then you hurt them. That's socially
acceptable. The medical community just misgauged the climate among men.
Though we've come a long way, we haven't gone that far."
Women interviewed take a different view, "I'd be happy if he had this test
every month," said one. "His health is that important to me."
"I've even volunteered to drive my husband to the clinic," said a second.
"He cringes every time I mention it. I guess that just goes to show how
stubborn men are."
Promoters seem unconcerned about public acceptance.
"We'll sell it the same way we did the mammogram," says one. "All we have
to do is plant the seed of doubt. It'll sprout on its own. I predict
overcrowded offices and three-hour waits before the end of the year."
A few lingering reservations aside, this writer thinks it behooves men to
hurry to a diagnostic clinic now, before the rush begins. In fact, I'll go
so far as to plead with men to do so. If you won't do it for yourself, do
it for someone you love. I know she'll appreciate it.
copied without permission from The Funny Times
