[1983] in Humor
HUMOR: Grab bag of offensive humor
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 31 14:35:24 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 13:44:42 EST
If you are offended by non-PC stuff, delete immediately.
Everyone is sure to find something that ticks them off in this batch. So
no whining!
Sources deleted for their own sake.
-Drew
---
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one
cold blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat
will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he
did.
Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm up."
He did and his nose warmed up.
The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."
Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother.
She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Mother says "Sure why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they
thaw out!!"
------- Forwarded Message
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
Three Proofs thast Jesus might have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
Three proofs that Jesus might have been Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was in often in trouble with the law.
3. His mother never knew his Father.
Three proofs that Jesus might have been Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Three proofs that Jesus might have been black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
The proofs that he was definitely from California:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
-----
I Like Monkeys
The pet store was selling them for five cents a pieace. I thought
this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided
not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like
monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive.
His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were
really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I
laughed. They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their
new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch
at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so
inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort
of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the
toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet
monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That
worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started
to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't
want to call a plumber. I was too embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every
30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go
bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was
flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred
monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys
and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one
of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was
not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet
one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas
gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to
like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched
them in the genitals.
--------------
HOW TO BE A COOL ASIAN
1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white
2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine
3. Own a cellular phone .... " " " " " "
4. Have only Asian friends
5. Speak only in Asian languages
6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to
class
7. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA
8. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA
9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends
10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties
11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music
13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other
Asians
14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs
15. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!
16. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH
TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!
17. Wear only designer labels
18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure
that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
19. Own a pair of Doc Martens
20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you nothing
about them
21. Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners
22. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER
23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
24. Own a sports car
25. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated
26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school
27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates
29. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a
circumsized penis
30. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown
or red for optimal "coolness"
31. Two words: Manhattan Portage
32. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead,
simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of
your car's engine
33. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead,
make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of make up
on your face
34. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
35. If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a
goldfish
36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one"!
37. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all
interracial couples you see.
38. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the
"theft" of your women
39. If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway
