[1965] in Humor
HUMOR: Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Mar 19 11:10:41 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 1997 10:44:54 EST
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 97 07:44:38 -0800
From: Mike Beyries <mbeyries@netmanage.com>
<forwards not into doilies, thank you ... >
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
15> Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about
you... and that's a good thing!"
14> Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced
with juice can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases.
13> On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice
downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
12> You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
11> Size 6 Bruno Magli imprints on all your doilies.
10> You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of
palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
9> The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after
you leave the bathroom.
8> You discover that every napkin in the whole friggin' house has
been folded into a swan.
7> No matter *where* you eat, your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.
6> Annoying crank phone calls begin with, "Hold, please, for
Ms. Stewart."
5> Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
4> That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
3> The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are
stained to match the shower curtain.
2> You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
stuffing in every orifice.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1> You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at
your temple.
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