[1913] in Humor
HUMOR: Dennis Miller on what women really want
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Feb 24 10:45:36 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 10:38:21 EST
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 00:01:48 -0800
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
From: mweston@netscape.com (Mike Weston)
Here is what Dennis Miller says women really want in his Rants book.
Does size really matter? I don't know, what do women want? Nowadays it
seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero
from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad
Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a
game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body
of Brad Pitt in Ledgends of the Fall combined with the voice of Brad
Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or
she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies,
looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for
psychoanalysis, all right.
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys
who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are
trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe
think women want from men.
One- Foreplay is not a privilege. It is a birthright.
Two- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant don't try to subtly
steer her away from the lobster, Dimond Jim.
Three- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and
power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent
affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to
work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more
assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
Four- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work guys, look at
....say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You
could kill Carl, couldn't you? Because he's a slacking, worthless
toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
Five- This is very important. During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's
your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
Six- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
Words are kind of important.
Seven- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock
stars to have women their own age in their videos.
Eight- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
should know if she came.
Nine- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
directions.
Ten- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in
your sleep, take it like a man.
So guys at the end of the what women want is this- equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine
effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to
ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head.
