[1875] in Humor
HUMOR: A groaner and some stupid human stories
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Feb 6 12:17:16 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 06 Feb 1997 11:48:11 EST
Some are new, some aren't, but they're all pretty good...:)
-Drew
Date: Thu, 06 Feb 1997 09:26:23 -0500
From: Joe Ziehler <ziehler@psicorp.com>
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan
when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed
his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his
father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go
underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That
ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about
killing innocent whales." The female agrees, and the plan works
perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices
that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore
either by swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so
easily, the male whale yells "They are going to shore - Let's go
gobble them up!". Just then, the female whale becomes less
cooperative:
"Look", she says, " I agreed to the blow job but there is NO WAY I'm
swallowing seamen!"
--------
*The stupidity of the human race never fails to surprise me.*
Charles Darwin
The 1996 Darwin Awards
You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who
found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff
that the JATO (jet assisted take off) unit he had strapped to his car
could not be turned off once it was turned on.
Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This
citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
The 1996 nominees are:
San Jose Mercury News - An unidentified man, using a shotgun
like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92 - Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when,
awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Unknown, 25 March - A terrible diet and room with no
ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large
amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily
of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the
right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep
from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his
bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't
have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight
bedroom. He was 22...a big man with a huge capacity for creating this
deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario - Man slips, falls 23
stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his
condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories
to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on
a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector
Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved
and he went over the balcony, Honer said. One of those freak
accidents. No foul play is suspected.
UPI, Toronto - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed
through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his
death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard
of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window
strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner
of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy
was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.
AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug. 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six
people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had
fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the
first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after
an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister
and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to
help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help,
but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies
of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat
Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It
survived.
More intelligence-challenged people:
Times of London - A thief who sneaked into a hospital was
scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security
staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to
doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked
into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the
high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its
treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds.
After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum
time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of
the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital,
20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was
wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the
police. Southampton police said: This man broke into Odstock and
decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be
scarred for life.
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas,
after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana
were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought
to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later
said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the
hood to change the oil.
Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City,
Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with
only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them
are listed below:
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as
he was trying to repair what police described as a farm-type truck.
Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung
underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling
noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man
found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.
Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95 - Same thing up here in MI.
Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to move a
downed [power] wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of
neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried
former friend from the fatal flashing.
Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his
head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he
was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head
without getting hit.
In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the
leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car.
When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he
couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
