[1862] in Humor
HUMOR: Death Star Day Care
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Fri Jan 31 20:07:25 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 20:02:07 EST
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 19:19:53 -0500
From: mabehr@MIT.EDU (Michael Behr)
After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the
Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has
added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast
array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which,
according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning
environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already
begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by
June 1. "Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning
Center," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four
classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day
care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome
instructive power."
Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine
Death Star Center is already up and running. Among the most popular
activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose,
which the Emperor often helps lead.
"Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny
Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and
"goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to
your hatred!"
Disaster was narrowly averted last Friday, when the center took
a field trip to the nearby planet Bespin. At the end of the
day, minutes into the shuttle ride back to the Death Star, adult
chaperone Darth Vader locked eyes with 4-year-old Matthew
Schumpert. "Wait," said Vader, probing deep into the child's mind.
"There is another Schumpert."
Vader sensed the presence of Katie Schumpert, Matthew's sister,
who was still back at the Bespin gift shop purchasing souvenirs. He
ordered the shuttle to turn around and averted an embarrassing
situation for the new day care facility.
Vader later added: "Join me, parents looking for a safe,
dependable child care alternative, and together we will rule the
galaxy."
In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities,
children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have
already gotten to witness the destruction of several planets out the
center's giant bay window.
Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet
Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed
the devastating power of the battle station. The sole exception was
Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in Alderan at the time
of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud explosion and began
to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were
now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to
action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream
treats to calm her.
According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center
sprang up after a number of parents complained about the lack of
quality, affordable child care options on the Death Star.
"As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about
the new day care center," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said.
"It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will
learn."
Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because
I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to
operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"
As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few
extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the
Death Star's reactor core.
"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads
to the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said.
"If a small rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector
shield and enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the
reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and
destroy the entire space station."
Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot
as "a million to one."
-Mike
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mabehr@mit.edu mabehr@lcs.mit.edu
Mass. Institute of Technology Programming Systems Research
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There are some parts of New York that I would advise you not to invade...
