[1857] in Humor
HUMOR: Bostonics and some good jokes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jan 30 14:34:55 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 14:14:46 EST
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 13:16:26 -0500
From: Joe Ziehler <ziehler@psicorp.com>
A. For people learning to speak with a "Bawstin" accent.
Pahty : A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do
with Mother Nature.
ah: The letter between "q" & "s."
ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah.
bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah: "The train to Noo Yok
has a bah cah."
bayah: Ferocious
bon: As in: "Where were you bon?"
bzah: Strange, odd.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
Con: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect.
fah: Not neah heah
fok: What you eat pahster with.
fyah: Blaze
Gahden: What they're tearing down this yeah.
hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.
Hahvid: Country day school across the rivah.
hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you
shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."
khakis: What you staht the cah with.
nawtheastah: Stawm that blows in from the wottah.
Noo Yok: Sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street.
owah: Sixty minutes.
pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown eithah.
pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits.
pichahs: They throw fastballs at Fenway.
Rawjah: He throws the fastest fastballs at Fenway (not anymore).
Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hiss shouting "To Ahms!"
shuah: Of coahse.
shot: Not tall.
wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
yeah: A 365 day period.
yiz: You, plural. As in: "Ah yiz goin down to the Cape tammorah?"
------------------
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An
ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a
new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled
father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
--------------
A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her white
cat Rick as a friend. One day, the lights went out as she sat
knitting; she had been unable to pay the electric bill.
So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from her
childhood days. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed
her three wishes. "First," she said, "I want to be so rich that I
never have to worry about money again. Second, I want to be young and
beautiful again. And last, I want you to change my white cat into a
handsome prince."
*POOF*
As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of
coins, looking in the mirror she saw a young beautiful woman. As she
turned, a handsome prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and
said, "Now I'll bet you're sorry you took me to the vet for that
little operation."
-----------------------------
Oxymorons:
Act naturally Found missing Resident alien
Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Safe sex
Airline food Good grief Same difference
Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill
Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream
British fashion Living dead Small crowd
Business ethics
Microsoft Works Soft rock Butt head
Military intelligence Software documentation California culture
New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof
"Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists
Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood
Peace force Temporary tax increase Computer jock
Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security
Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe
Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream
Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate
---------
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a
third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT,
his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many
winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as
he is told and
this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin
cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through
the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of
his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly
down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
