[1821] in Humor
HUMOR: Things I Learned From Independence Day
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jan 16 10:22:08 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 1997 10:09:51 EST
From: Adam Skwersky <askwersk@MIT.EDU>
From: Trwestcott@aol.com
From: swest@ctp.com (Sarah Westcott)
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 1997 07:44:41 -0500 (EST)
From: "Frederick W. Reynolds" <freyn01@law.emory.edu>
Things I learned from the movie "Independence Day":
1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first.
Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position
your "Death Ray" over the most recognizable building.
2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building
directly under the Death Ray.
3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.
4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute,
make sure that you are travelling with a dog and a small
child. The Law of Averages says you'll survive the
Death Ray.
5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute,
make sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable
TV executive. The Law of Averages says you'll get waxed by
the Death Ray.
6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to
"Pay the bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice
house in a middle class subdivision.
7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can
drive California Highway Department utility vehicles,
collect refugees and use their extensive survival skills to
provide food and comfort to survivors.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base".
10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in
line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks
to the immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of
impeding mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the
guards at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white
metal helmets in 120 degree heat.
12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving
across the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured
alien to the guard.
13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to
cluster all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a
200 meter section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien
Invasion.
14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the
service, including Marines and Air Force.
15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it
appears that the F-18 must have had a 10,000 unit
production run.
16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target
20 km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles
and aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles.
17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and
F-18s.
18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be
taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot
an Alien fighter in 5 minutes.
20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet
use flight yokes just like ours.
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor.
They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by
Will Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers,
though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches
the carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the
pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets
into canyons walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and
unarmored, they do things to piss off people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien
air traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been
human-modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and
not notice the welded-on missile rack until the missile is
fired through his work station.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is,
"Release me," "No peace," and "Die!"
27. If you're President and your administration is faltering,
an Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings
in the polls.
28. If you're President and your administration is faltering,
manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you
"flew in the Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch
of service.
29. If you're President and your administration is faltering
and an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the
Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs to one centralized location
so that the Aliens can take them all out with one shot.
You can always blame the problems of the past on them
after victory is achieved. Hmmm, now where to put the wife.
30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone
listed in the phone book "in case of emergencies."
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death
of your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke.
Aliens might attack and offer him a chance to renew his
faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by
making you the laughing stock of the community, never fear.
When their "Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to
those who mocked your tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you
can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their
Death Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and
you have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their
Death Ray, you will obtain redemption and your children
will be proud of you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very
annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your
wedding ring for 4 years after the divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Powerbook can code a
virus in C++ that will take down a completely alien
computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other
operating systems on Earth, it can interface with an
alien computer.
38. Alien network security is nonexistent.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter
it (ie, 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed
just enough technology to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and
"Don't get out much."
