[1803] in Humor
HUMOR: The Complete Scoring System
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Jan 8 17:23:02 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 08 Jan 1997 17:07:36 EST
Date: Wed, 08 Jan 1997 13:34:03 -0800
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Here's your scorecard from the Men's Journal of
Health.
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects-- sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck
pulls away.................................................... -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1
You leave them under the bed...................................... -5
You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom......................................... -2
You make the bed.................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze
at her lovingly.............................................. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump...................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"........................................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed"...................................................... -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8
You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together....................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3
Most of it chips and beer.......................................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................. +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3
And the television is off......................................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your underwear....................................... -15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing...................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause.............................................. -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends....................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.......................................................... +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs..................................................... -15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5
Grooming
--------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal.................................................. -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
you reply, "Where?"............................................... -25
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10
