[1735] in Humor
HUMOR: Male to English Translations
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Tue Dec 3 16:38:55 1996
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 16:24:11 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
From: pug@MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
>Date: Tue, 03 Dec 1996 13:35:04 -0500
>From: Ronke Mojoyinola Olabisi <braid@engin.umich.edu>
>>
>> NOTE FROM ORACLE: Again, the following material is only intended as
>> humor and is not intended to promote stereotypes of men. If you form
>> your views of men based upon this joke, then you need more help than I
>> can offer. By the way, I'm using more disclaimers while I'm away so
>> that I don't come back to a mailbox full of flame mail. Sound
>> familiar?
>>
>> Guyspeak (2)
>> WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES
>>
>> "I'm going fishing."
>> Really means...
>> "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
>> with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
>>
>> "Let's take your car."
>> Really means....
>> "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
>>
>> "Woman driver."
>> Really means....
>> "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
>> has a better driving record than me."
>>
>> "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
>> Really means....
>> "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
>> mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
>>
>> "It's a guy thing."
>> Really means....
>> "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
>> no chance at all of making it logical."
>>
>> "Can I help with dinner?"
>> Really means....
>> "Why isn't it already on the table?"
>>
>> "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
>> Really mean....
>> Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
>>
>> "Good idea."
>> Really means....
>> "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
>>
>> "Have you lost weight?"
>> Really means....
>> "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
>>
>> "My wife doesn't understand me."
>> Really means....
>> "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
>>
>> "It would take too long to explain."
>> Really means....
>> "I have no idea how it works."
>>
>> "I'm getting more exercise lately."
>> Really means....
>> "The batteries in the remote are dead."
>>
>> "I got a lot done."
>> Really means....
>> "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
>>
>> "We're going to be late."
>> Really means....
>> "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
>>
>> "Hey, I've read all the classics."
>> Really means....
>> "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
>>
>> "You cook just like my mother used to."
>> Really means....
>> "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
>>
>> "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
>> Really means....
>> "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
>>
>> "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
>> Really means....
>> "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
>>
>> "That's interesting, dear."
>> Really means....
>> "Are you still talking?"
>>
>> "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
>> Really means....
>> "I forgot our anniversary again."
>>
>> "You expect too much of me."
>> Really means....
>> "You want me to stay awake."
>>
>> "It's a really good movie."
>> Really means....
>> "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
>>
>> "That's women's work."
>> Really means....
>> "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
>>
>> "Will you marry me?"
>> Really means....
>> "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there
>> is no more peanut butter."
>>
>> "Go ask your mother."
>> Really means....
>> "I am incapable of making a decision."
>>
>> "You know how bad my memory is."
>> Really means....
>> "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl
>> I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
>> ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
>>
>> "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
>> Really means....
>> "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
>>
>> "Football is a man's game."
>> Really means....
>> "Women are generally too smart to play it."
>>
>> "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
>> Really means....
>> "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
>> admit I'm hurt."
>>
>> "I do help around the house."
>> Really means....
>> "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
>>
>> "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
>> Really means....
>> "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
>>
>> "I can't find it."
>> Really means....
>> "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
>>
>> "What did I do this time?"
>> Really means....
>> "What did you catch me at?"
>>
>> "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
>> Really means....
>> "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
>>
>> "She's one of those rabid feminists."
>> Really means....
>> "She refused to make my coffee."
>>
>> "But I hate to go shopping."
>> Really means....
>> "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
>>
>> "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
>> Really means....
>> "You may actually get it to start."
>>
>> "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
>> Really means....
>> "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my
>> chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
>>
>> "I heard you."
>> Really means....
>> "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
>> desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
>> next 3 days yelling at me."
>>
>> "You know I could never love anyone else."
>> Really means....
>> "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
>>
>> "You look terrific."
>> Really means....
>> "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
>>
>> "I brought you a present."
>> Really means....
>> "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
>>
>> "I missed you."
>> Really means....
>> "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
>> toilet paper."
>>
>> "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
>> Really means....
>> "No one will ever see us alive again."
>>
>> "We share the housework."
>> Really means....
>> "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
>>
>> "This relationship is getting too serious."
>> Really means....
>> "I like you more than my truck."
>>
>> "I recycle."
>> Really means....
>> "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
>>
>> "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
>> Really means....
>> "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
>>
>> "It sure snowed last night."
>> Really means....
>> "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
>>
>> "It's good beer."
>> Really means....
>> "It was on sale."
>>
>> "I don't need to read the instructions."
>> Really means....
>> "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
>>
>> "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
>> Really means....
>> "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
>>
>> "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
>> Really means....
>> "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
>>
>> "I broke up with her."
>> Really means....
>> "She dumped me."
>>
>> Submitted by: Bruce Guthrie
>>
>> \\|//
>> (o o) THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING
>> LIST
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Andrew Bennett MIT Department Ocean Engineering
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