[1730] in Humor
HUMOR: Redneck Etiquette
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Mon Dec 2 12:16:12 1996
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 12:01:13 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Date: Sun, 01 Dec 1996 10:41:39 -0500
From: mabehr@MIT.EDU (Michael Behr)
To: abennett@MIT.EDU
Subject: Redneck etiquette
> REDNECK ETIQUETTE
>
> PERSONAL HYGIENE
> ----------------
> Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
> item.
>
> While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
> done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
>
> Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
> However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
> Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
> detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
>
> Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
> and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
> hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
> method.
>
> DINING OUT
> ----------
>
> When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
> slowlso as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly
> from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
>
> Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
> mobilehome costs just as much as yours.
>
>
> ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
> -------------------------
> A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
> taxidermist.
>
> Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
> manners are.
>
> Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
> injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
>
> If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
> them alone for a few minutes.
>
>
> DATING (Outside the Family)
> ---------------------------
> Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>
> No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
> stolen from a cemetery.
>
> Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
> out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
> years ago."
>
> Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
> 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
> the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
> If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
> tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
> frustration.
>
> Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
> reputation.
>
>
> THEATER ETIQUETTE
> -----------------
> Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
> after the movie has ended.
>
> Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
> they can't hear you.
>
> WEDDINGS
> --------
> Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>
> Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
>
> When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
>
> Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
>
> A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also
> a proven fly deterrent.
>
> For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
> and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
> uncomfortable say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
>
>
> DRIVING ETIQUETTE
> -----------------
> Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
> and the deer is in sight.
>
> When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
> always has the right of way.
>
> Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
>
> When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
> ask her to bring back beer.
>
> Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
>
> Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
>
> Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
>
>
> TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
> ----------------------
> Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
>
> Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>
> Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
>
> It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
>
> Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
> considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
> The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
> if other people are around.
>
> If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
>
> Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
=======================================================================
Andrew Bennett MIT Department Ocean Engineering
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