[1682] in Humor
HUMOR: THIS is TRUE for 27 October
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Sun Nov 3 22:46:11 1996
Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 22:42:04 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 12:12:39 -0700 (MST)
From: Randy Cassingham <arcie@netcom.com>
Dispatched this week to 150,000+ readers in 117 countries AND Det Norske
Veritas Research AS in Hovik, Norway, it's...
THIS is TRUE for 27 October 1996 Copyright 1996 by Randy Cassingham
------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRAWN BUTTER: A scuba diver doing some nighttime lobster fishing off the
Los Angeles coast ended up trapped himself. John Vincent, 36, was
sucked into an intake pipe that brings seawater into a power plant
for cooling. "I wasn't sure where it was going to lead," Vincent
said. "I looked at my air, I looked at my compass, which said I was
heading east into this plant." He was trapped for two hours, but
managed to attract the attention of power plant workers by banging
his weight belt on a valve and waving his light back and forth. When
rescued, Vincent had a lobster in each hand. (AP) ...You only go
around once in life, but if you do it right once is enough.
SERVE SOUP, SO SHE DOESN'T NEED A KNIFE: President Abdala Bucaram of
Ecuador recently had lunch with Lorena Bobbit, who came to fame in
the U.S. for cutting off her husband's penis in a domestic dispute.
Bucaram presented Ms. Bobbit, whom he called one of the world's most
famous Ecuadoreans, with a copy of his recently released rock and
roll album "A Madman in Love" and told her that "meeting you in
person is an extremely high honor. You look a lot prettier than you
do on television." Ms. Bobbit noted she was "flattered". (Reuter)
...Careful, Presidente: when she was done with her husband, he was
flatter too.
ME POLITICIAN, YOU JANE: Ecuadoran Energy Minister Alfredo Adum says he
prefers the simple pleasures in life -- he'd rather be "like a
caveman". "I'd grab any woman I liked by the hair, take her back to
my cave and devour her," Adum told a magazine interviewer. "I'd
satisfy my sexual and physical appetites because in those days you
ate women in both senses." As for wardrobe, "If I could I'd walk
around in the nude," he said. "Sometimes I think the only difference
between Cro-Magnon man and Alfredo Adum is clothes." (Reuter)
...Judging by what anthropologists say about Cro-Magnon brain
capacity, he's probably right.
MOCHA: The Coffee, Sugar & Cocoa Exchange, a New York commodities
exchange, has added butter to its list of futures. "Butter is the
last product to round out the list," noted exchange president James
Bowe. (AP) ...That's not a futures exchange, that's a recipe.
-*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*-
NEWS HOLE: Editors and publishers who need help feeding the unsatiable
maw of their pages can acquire rights to carry "This is True". We
*promise* information will NOT arrive in your mailbox until after the
election. TRUE already runs in print in three languages and in four
countries. For details on putting TRUE in your publication, send your
publication name, snail mail address, phone number, and circulation
level to Randy at <arcie@netcom.com>. Publishers, editors and
journalists might also want to check out some TRUE details at the
Editor & Publisher magazine website at
<http://www.mediainfo.com/ephome/news/newshtm/recent/092796n1.htm>
-*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*-
HEAVE HOME: Striking ground workers refused to tow a British Airways jet
from Rome's terminal, so 15 passengers got out and pushed the plane
back far enough so that it could start its engines and take off. The
flight to London only lost an hour from its schedule thanks to the
tenacious passengers. (Reuter) ...This is your captain speaking:
PUSH!
BOO: The principal of Peyton Elementary School in Peyton, Colo., is
defending her decision to not allow students to wear costumes at the
school's annual Halloween party, despite a petition with 150
signatures asking her to change her mind. Principal Virginia Read
denied charges it was a religious issue -- some think Halloween is a
form of devil worship -- noting that she didn't ban the party, just
the "distracting" costumes. Teachers instead decided to give the
party a "nighttime" theme, with teachers and students dressed in
pajamas, Read said. (UPI) ...Nice teddy, Miss Finster!
BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE: Sweet Haven Holy Church of God in Isle of
Wight County, Virginia, doesn't just take in money from the
collection plate, it gives some of it back. At the end of each
service, Bishop Nathaniel Johnson hands out slips of play money; any
parishioner who gets one with Johnson's initials on it wins real
money -- $10-100 -- but only if they arrived on time to the two-hour
service. "I know some people won't come to get their souls blessed,"
Johnson said, but "they'll be there to get their palms blessed." He
says that in the three years since he started the practice, church
attendance has tripled. (AP) ...The headline: Virginia Preacher
Greases Psalms.
HALT, IN THE NAME OF THE LAW: Two robbers running from a bank heist in
Medellin, Colombia, only got about a block away when they were robbed
of the cash by muggers. The bank robbers were arrested; the muggers
escaped with the cash. Meanwhile, a Florida man who robbed a store
felt guilty when he saw his victim on television talking about how
terrified he was during the ordeal. "Man, I felt so bad, he thought I
would shoot him," said Tyrie Nelms, 33. He felt bad enough he turned
himself in to police. "It sure would be nice if they all had
conscience pangs like this," said Sanford Police Commander Dennis
Whitmire. (Reuter, 2) ...I don't know, Dennis: "Men never do evil so
fully and cheerfully as when we do it out of conscience." --Blaise
Pascal (1623-1662).
I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME HERE: A 52-year-old Japanese woman has been
arrested after calling a 54-year-old man at his Kawaguchi office more
than 16,000 times over a 13-month period. Teruko Hamakawa told police
the man "was impolite as he turned down marriage with me without even
seeing me." (AP) ...He probably had a pretty good mental picture.
YEAH, BUT WHOSE? "Researchers Say Hand-Eye Coordination Controlled by
Brain" -- UPI headline
CORRECTIONS: In the story "ACTION ADVENTURE" in last week's issue, I
related the story of how a robber running out of a drugstore ran into
the arms of TV cops filming "NYPD Blue". I was quickly *deluged* by
readers who correct that the show involved was in fact "Homicide";
they are correct -- it was I, and NOT the Associated Press, who made
that error. (The AP, though, perplexingly had headlined the story
"Sitcom Cast Foils Crook", which distracted me no end! And people
accuse ME of making fun of serious subjects!) Also, in the 29
September story "STRANGE BEDFELLOWS II" about the Nevada ex-hooker
running for a seat in Congress, I said she was running as a
Republican; she was actually running as a Democrat. Last, regarding
last week's item "YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED", about the World Wide Web
"RIF Watch" site that contains information about the "Reduction in
Force" at NASA, half the copies of TRUE went out without this
intended addition: So I won't get a million requests for the URL for
'RIF Watch', it's: <http://www.reston.com/rif/watch.html>
I'VE BEEN ASKED by quite a few people when the next TRUE book will be
coming out. It is, in fact, late: it's supposed to be out already.
But a number of factors have conspired against the schedule, and it
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=======================================================================
Andrew Bennett MIT Department Ocean Engineering
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