[1643] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: Report on Technical Writers
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Wed Oct 16 19:57:08 1996
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 19:42:42 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Date: Thu, 9 Jul 92 4:30:8 EDT
From: Mateo.Burtch@eng.sun.com (M. Burtch--Specialist in Courier Font)
---------------------------
The Society for Technical Communication (STC) released its
annual Report on the Status of Technical Writers today. This
report, issued by the STC's Writers' Committee on
Technical Scribes, monitors the civil and human rights of
technical writers throughout the world and documents abuses
against them. It also includes a handy quick-reference guide
to basic Fortran compiler options.
Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical
writers the world over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is
worsening rapidly. In particular, writers in the Third World
routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report noted that
this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.)
The report concludes:
To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may
add those of Technical Accuracy and Good Visual
Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's
age-old nemeses: Bigotry . . . Hatred . . . Right
Justification. If the human race is not only to
survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind
and in the soul, technical writers must practice their
ageless craft unencumbered by fear, privation, or
schedules.
Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include:
o Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased
9% over the past two years.
o Canada recently passed legislation making the passive
voice the national language.
o In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in
place of technical writers, with no apparent loss of
readability.
o In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric
cattle prods to torture dissidents, replacing them
instead with extremely slow and finicky daisy wheel
printers.
o The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product
as "disposable."
o Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of
hooligans known as "editors" is rampant in Northern
Ireland, where sectarian violence between different
spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One
particularly gruesome form of punishment is "chopping":
holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly
thing off his cedilla.
o A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal
and replacement of chunks of text, leaving the
writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and confused,
to be exact.)
o A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many
technical writers in poorer countries unable to
take notes or doodle during meetings--forcing them
to pay attention or end the meeting by flinging
live poisonous insects at the other attendees.
o The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the
use of cuneiform stone tablets, which jam PostScript
printers.
What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government
of one of the cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts
and at least one incorrect cross-reference. Show them you mean
business. Or write to the UN High Commissioner on the Status of
Technical Writers, stating that you are categorically opposed to
the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that you're
still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed
to go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your
technical writer friends and promising them that if they give
a donation to Save the Tech Writers you'll cancel the performance
art you had scheduled for the evening.
A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and
from your local samadzat.
--Mateo Burtch
(c) 1992 Mateo Burtch
Yes, you can forward this; just keep my name attached to it
or I'll publicly link you with Ron Reagan.
