[1602] in Humor
HUMOR: Where are they now?
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Sep 12 18:28:35 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 18:17:33 EDT
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: Richard Johnson <rjj@medialab.com>
Forwarded-by: Doug Orleans <dougo@ccs.neu.edu>
From: "Jeff de Vries" <jdevries@pureatria.com>
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 1996 12:45:12 -0700
> FWD:
>
> Since 1968, the Olympic Mascots have delighted and entertained
> millions with their festive antics and cuddly features. But
> after the last athlete has marched out of the stadium at the
> Closing Ceremonies, the Mascots are cut loose, to sink or swim
> in a world already inundated with winsome corporate mascots.
> The Mascots get just one shot at fame before they are dragged
> into the dusty bargain bin of history.
>
> What sort of future awaits Izzy, the Mascot for the games in
> Atlanta? Our crack team of researchers fanned out across the
> globe to find out the stories of the past Olympic Mascots.
> Their stories tell it all.
>
> 1. Jaguar (Mexico City, 1968) -- After the games, was
> reintroduced to the Yucatan jungle, but his territory was
> clear cut in 1973 for a sorghum plantation. Trapped and
> shipped to a zoo in the Mexican state of Chihuahua, he was
> placed in stud until 1979. Purchased by a Brazilian children's
> show in '79, then horrified a nation as he ate the host on
> national TV. Escaped to the Amazon and hasn't been seen since.
>
> 2. Waldi the Dachshund (Munich, 1972) -- After the Munich
> games, became co-owner and spokesdog for Waldi Bier, during
> which he became famed for the outrageous and politically
> incorrect series of beer ads featuring him drinking several
> steins of lager and then visiting the Berlin Wall. Attempted
> to hot balloon kegs of beer over the wall in '82; was shot
> down by East German guards but was released in a prisoner
> exchange. When the Wall fell in '91, the company went bankrupt
> and Waldi went into seclusion.
>
> 3. Amik the Beaver (Montreal, 1976) -- Had only one known
> appearance after Montreal, as a guest star on the ill-fated
> "Shields and Yarnell" comedy show, along with Larry Storch and
> J.J. Walker. Flattened by a semi outside of Moose Jaw,
> Saskatchewan, in 1981.
>
> 4. Micha the Bear (Moscow, 1980) -- On the way to a goodwill
> tour of Cuba in 1983, hijacked the plane and ordered it to
> land in Miami, where he claimed asylum. After serving a token
> sentence, went to work for the National Park Service as a
> stand-in for Smokey, but was fired for smoking in Yellowstone
> during dry season, igniting a 30,000 acre burn. Returned to
> Russia in 1993 and currently living in the Caucus steppes.
>
> 5. Roni the Raccoon (Lake Placid, 1980) -- Went to Los
> Angeles to negotiate a Saturday morning cartoon show but
> became persona non grata after a trip to Disneyland, during
> which he drunkenly climbed out of the "Pirates of the
> Carribean" ride, screaming about Walt's frozen body being
> located underneath. Reduced to working birthday parties and
> bar mitzvahs in upstate New York; was accused of harboring
> rabies in 1989 but tested clean.
>
> 6. Sam the Eagle (Los Angles, 1984) -- The one mascot
> success story. Already a sentimental favorite, the dramatic
> 1986 disclosure that the young Sam's eggshell was dangerously
> thinned due to DDT only enhanced his stature. Currently, Sam
> is a popular motivational speaker and infomercial host, often
> outgrossing stars such as Anthony Robbins and Marianne
> Williamson. He is rumored to be negotiating a return to
> Olympic Mascot status at the Salt Lake City games in 2002.
>
> 7. Vuchko the Wolf (Sarajevo, 1984) -- Land mine.
>
> 8. Hidori the Tiger (Seoul, 1988) -- Unmasked as a North
> Korean spy shortly after the games, when discovered during an
> unauthorized crossing of the DMZ. His alibi of bringing joy to
> North Korean children was severely compromised by the
> plutonium-enrichment factory blueprints in his backpack. Shot
> for treason.
>
> 9. Hidy & Howdy the Polar Bears (Calgary, 1988) -- Entered
> Canadian politics after the games, when they both competed for
> the same parliamentary seat under different parties. After a
> bitter and divisive contest, Howdy defeated Hidy by the
> smallest margin recorded in modern Canadian political history.
> Hidy had the last laugh, however, by releasing photos of Howdy
> devouring a baby seal in 1989. Facing a recall, Howdy resigned
> the seat in disgrace. Both bears now live, far away from each
> other, in the Northwest Territories.
>
> 10. Cobi the Dog (Barcelona, 1992) -- Second career as a
> matador short-lived. On the other hand, now he's fixed.
>
> 11. Magique the Star (Albertville, 1992) -- Exploded in 1995
> when its hydrogen-burning core started burning helium, then
> carbon, oxygen and silicon before reaching the fatal iron
> burning stage. The explosion will be visible in the northern
> sky in 2672, just in time for the Winter Games on Io.
>
> 12. Kristin and Hakon, a girl and boy (Lillehammer, 1994) --
> Stars of a short-lived Norwegian variety show which was
> canceled when Hakon hit puberty and developed severe acne.
> Kristin has gone on to become a Scandinavian pop singer, whose
> song "Lutefisk Akimbo" was a moderate disco hit in Oslo and
> Copenhagen. Hakon began vocational training as a computer
> programmer but ran afoul of the law when he held up a
> convenience store in Trondheim. Currently on probation until
> 2001.
>
