[1588] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC (updated): Some new spins on some old chestnuts
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Sep 9 11:06:02 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 09 Sep 1996 10:52:35 EDT
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 07:04:03 +0400
From: jaz@MIT.EDU (Joe Ziehler)
> A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
> cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other
> side of the street.
> <P>
>
> First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a
> while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
> <P>
>
> The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologists
> conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now
> exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
>
> <HR>
> What do you get when you put a spinning flywheel in a casket and
> turn a corner?
> <P>
>
> A funeral precession
>
> <HR>
>
> A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel
> sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.
> <P>
>
> The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled
> out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics
> equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got
> a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a
> precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing
> it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
> <P>
>
> The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned
> on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment,
> which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
> <P>
>
> The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk,
> began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it,
> and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and
> exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!"
> He then went back to sleep.
>
> <HR>
>
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> <BR>
> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> <BR>
> The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> <BR>
> The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard
> with that?"
> <HR>
>
> A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
> <P>
>
> The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
> <BR>
> The physics-students ask: `Why?'
> <BR>
> The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
> <BR>
> The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?'
> <BR>
> The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
> <BR>
> The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
> <BR>
> The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'
>
> <HR>
> A Physicist, an astronomer and a mathematician are walking one day
> through the Scottish Highlands, when they chance to see a black sheep.
> <P>
>
> "Ah!" says the astronomer, "that shows that scottish sheep are black."
> <P>
>
> "No, come on, you can't say that from a single observation," says the
> physicist, "all you can say is that black sheep are found in
> Scotland."
> <P>
>
> "No," says the mathematician, "all you can say from this observation
> is that from the angle we are looking at it, at this point in time,
> this particular sheep, APPEARS to be black."
>
> <HR>
> Three men with degrees in mathmatics, physics and biology are locked
> up in dark rooms for research reasons.
> <P>
>
> A week later the researchers open the a door, the biologist steps out
> and reports: `Well, I sat around until I started to get bored, then
> I searched the room and found a tin which I smashed on the floor.
> There was food in it which I ate when I got hungry. That's it.'
> <P>
>
> Then they free the man with the degree in physics and he says:
> `I walked along the walls to get an image of the room's geometry, then
> I searched it. There was a metal cylinder at five feet into the room
> and two feet left of the door. It felt like a tin and I threw it at
> the left wall at the right angle and velocity for it to crack open.'
> <P>
>
> Finally, the researchers open the third door and hear a faint voice
> out of the darkness: `Let C be an open can.'
>
> <HR>
> It takes two general relativists to change a light bulb. One holds
> the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
> <HR>
>
> How do you prove that all odd numbers are prime ? Depends who you ask ...
> <P>
>
> Logician:
> <BR>
> Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
> <BR>
> Proof:
> <BR>
> 1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
> <BR>
> 2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
> <BR>
> From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
> <P>
>
> Physicist:
> <BR>
> 3 is a prime
> <BR>
> 5 is a prime
> <BR>
> 7 is a prime
> <BR>
> 9 is not prime, experimental error
> <P>
>
> Mathematician:
> <BR>
> 3 is a prime
> <BR>
> 5 is a prime
> <BR>
> 7 is a prime
> <BR>
> by induction all the rest are prime
> <P>
>
> Engineer:
> <BR>
> 3 is a prime
> <BR>
> 5 is a prime
> <BR>
> 7 is a prime
> <BR>
> 9 is a prime
>
> <HR>
> Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
> <BR>
> biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
>
> <HR>
> Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
> to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
> a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and
> recognices that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan
> Ivanovich, great russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer
> falls with the speed of light.
>
> <HR>
>
> In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior,
> what are you up to?"
> <P>
>
> "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
> rabbit.
> <P>
>
> "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
> <P>
>
> "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
> <P>
>
> They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit
> emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
> <P>
>
>
> Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
> <P>
>
> "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
> wolves."
> <P>
>
> "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
> <P>
>
> "Come with me and I'll show you." ......
> <P>
>
> As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and
> this time he has a diploma in his paw.
> <P>
>
> The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
> should have guessed by now, we see an enourmous mean-looking lion
> sitting next to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox.
> <P>
>
> The moral of this story is:
> <P>
>
> It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your
> PhD advisor that counts.
>
> <HR>
> The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality.
> <BR>
> The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
> <BR>
> The mathematician doesn't care.
>
> <HR>
> A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
> An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who
> made it.
> <HR>
>
> A student is sitting his Physics exam, and quite an important one at
> that---maybe his final degree paper or his Oxford Entrance.
> <P>
>
> Anyway, one of the questions on the paper was to the effect of:
> <P>
>
> ``Q: How could one measure the height of a building using a
> barometer?''
> <P>
>
> Being a wit, in the exam this chap puts:
> <P>
>
> ``A: Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its
> descent. Using the formula `s = ut + a(t^2)/2' and knowing `a' which
> is `g' we can calculate the height of the building with reasonable
> accuracy.'' He then goes on to describe in more detail the method he
> would use.
> <P>
>
> The examiners were a little concerned. Here was one of their star
> students giving an answer they hadn't at all expected.
> <P>
>
> So they decided to call him in and give him an oral test to decide
> whether or not to allow the answer which they did admit was perfectly
> valid.
> <P>
>
> So they called him in and told him he had 15 minutes to make his case.
> For ten minutes he said nothing but scribbled away furiously. After
> these ten minutes the atmosphere was getting a little tense---this was
> meant to be an oral after all, and his degree (or whatever) depended
> on it. When they pointed this out to him he said that he was just
> trying to get his thoughts in order as there were so many possible
> solutions. Here are some of the ones he came up with:
> <P>
>
> ``1: What you wanted me to do, of course, was measure air pressure at
> the top and bottom of the building, and from the difference and
> knowing the pressure exerted by a column of air of unit height I
> should be able to calculate the height of the building. But I thought
> that would be terribly inaccurate and the answer I gave in the exam
> and the following ones are all potentially more accurate.
> <P>
>
> 2: Measure the length of shadow cast by the bulding and by the
> barometer on a sunny day. Knowing the actual height of the barometer
> one can compute the height of the building.
> <P>
>
> 3: Tie the barometer to the end of a long bit of string and lower the
> barometer from the top of the building to the ground. Measure the
> amount of string payed out and you have the height of the building.''
> <P>
>
> He then gave several more but ended with:
> <P>
>
> ``The best method by far, though, would be to go to the building's
> janitor and say `If I give you this shiny new scientific barometer
> will you tell me how high this building is?' ''
> <P>
>
> The student passed his exam.
> <HR>
>
> Q: How many computer scientists does it take to change a light-bulb ?
> <P>
>
> A: None. It's a hardware problem, so they'll call an engineer, and
> get him to do it.
> <HR>
>
> - "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
> <P>
>
> - "No..."
> <P>
>
> - "Inheritance."
> <P>
> <HR>
>
> Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...
> with confidence.
> <HR>
>
> Heisenberg might have slept here.
> <P>
>
> Moebius always does it on the same side.
> <P>
>
> Statisticians probably do it
> <P>
>
> Algebraists do it in groups.
> <P>
>
> (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
> <HR>
>
> Mathematics is the systematic misuse of a nomenclature developed for
> that specific purpose.
> <HR>
>
> Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
> travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The
> three atonished men try to solve the problem:
> <P>
>
> - The physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque.
> It has overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.
> <P>
>
> - Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has burned
> the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can
> easily repair it by hammering.
> <P>
>
> - Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a
> minute, and then get in and try again?
> <HR>
>
> TWO sodium atoms are walking down the road chatting. All of a sudden,
> one stops and turns to its friend looking worried:
> <P>
>
>
> Na(1)- "Oh No... I think I've lost an Electron!"
> <P>
>
> Na(2)- "What... are you sure?"
> <P>
>
> Na(1)- "Yes, I'm Positive!"
> <HR>
>
> A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
> The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
> beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
> The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
> five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
> current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
> at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
> this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
> out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
> physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
> light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
> "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
> and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
> purposes!"
> <HR>
>
> Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
> guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
> stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
> is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better,
> like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
> <HR>
>
> When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
> <P>
>
> A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
> <P>
>
> A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
> <P>
>
> An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
>
> <HR>
> A Limerick:
> <P>
>
> ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
> <P>
>
> Translation:
> <P>
>
> A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
> <BR>
> plus three times the square root of four,
> <BR>
> divided by seven,
> <BR>
> plus five times eleven,
> <BR>
> equals nine squared and not a bit more.
> <HR>
>
> An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
> Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
> the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
> money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
> mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
> <P>
>
> The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
> variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
> previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
> probability of winning..."
> <P>
>
> "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
> before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
> they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a
> man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his
> secret.
> <P>
>
> "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
> horses were identical and spherical..."
> <HR>
>
> A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and
> he will say that on the average he feels fine.
> <HR>
>
> Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
> not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We
> are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
> the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is
> Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
> no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm.
> They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present
> inhabitants.
> <P>
> "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of
> 180!"
> <BR>
> "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
> <BR>
> "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
> <BR>
> "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
> <BR>
> "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
> <BR>
> "That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
> <BR>
> Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
> <BR>
> "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
> <BR>
> Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest
> rates are headed?"
>
>
> <HR>
>
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>
> <HR>
> <ADDRESS>E-mail me anytime at: (<A HREF = "mailto:cedmunds@sdl.usu.edu">
> cedmunds@sdl.usu.edu </A>) or
> <A HREF = "http://www.csd.sdl.usu.edu/~cedmunds/cgi-src/form.html">
leave me a note.</A></ADDRESS>
> ~
>
Joe Ziehler
MIT Sea Grant
AUV Laboratory
Cambridge, MA 02139
E38-372
617-253-6916 (office)
617-258-5730 (fax)
