[156] in Humor
i thought this might bring you guys some needed amusement...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (pattypep@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 28 15:20:07 1994
From: pattypep@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU, jrm16@cornell.edu, iuchi@bcvms.bc.edu,
Cc: fujitake@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 94 15:16:06 EST
In my music class the teacher gave us a handout on so called "past answers for
mid-semester concept questions" - enjoy as i did..
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. my favorite
composer is Opus.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven was deaf so he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everone was calling him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
from this.
Music sung by two people is called a duel. I also know what a sextet is, but I
had rather not say.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try
to sing.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras. A trumpet is an
instrument when it is not an elephant sound. While trombones have tubes,
trumpets prefer to wear valves. The main trouble with a French horn is it's too
tangled up. A tuba is much larger than its name.
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. A contra-bassoon is like a
bassoon, only more so. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it
apart: I both found out and got in trouble. For some reason, they always put a
treble clef in front of every line of flute music -- you just watch.
Pianos have brakes. A harp is a nude piano. When electric currents go through
them, guitars making sounds -- so would anybody. The most dangerous part about
playing cymbals is near the nose.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first
chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected
concertmaster, s/he had better learn to play a violin real good.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the
conductor.
A string quartet has a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and
someone who hates violinists. How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case. A violist is someone who hangs around musicians.
What's the difference between an oboist and a seamstress? A seamstress tucks up
frills.
Whats the definition of a minor second? Two oboes playing in unison.
How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to
change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under him/her, and three to
bitch about how much better they would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? You can tune a
lawnmower.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick you hand in the bell
and miss half the notes. What's the difference between a bass trombone and a
chainsaw? Vibrato.
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with
a terrorist. What's the definitions of a gentleman? A man who knows how to
play the acordian but doesn't.
(thanks to jmorrow, musical humorist)
