[1533] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIX: English Around the World
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Jul 24 15:29:54 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 1996 15:20:37 EDT
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 1996 02:24:35 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Travelers' Tales
By kind permission of the Far Eastern Economic Review, Hong Kong, we offer
the following selection of notices from around the globe. Offering light
relief from the tedium of business travel, they provide ample proof that
English is the lingua franca of the 20th century.
"In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers: Not to perambulate the corridor
in
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute costumers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
>From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past
two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret you will be unbearable.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
methodist.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In the then Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.
In the widnow of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today--no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket: We take your bags and send them in all
directions.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Aculpulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When a passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if
he
still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here
speeching American."
