[1532] in Humor
HUMOR: How to tell if you're a grown-up (Dave classic)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Jul 24 15:28:55 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 1996 15:18:41 EDT
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 1996 02:23:44 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: How to tell if you're a grown-up (Dave classic)
How to Tell If You're a Grown-Up
<hint: looking in the mirror won't help>
by Dave Barry
I was born in 1947. I have a wife, a child, a mortgage, two dogs and
gum disease. People who are years younger than I am routinely get
elected lieutenant governor. So you would probably describe me as a
grownup. Which just goes to show how much *you* know.
Several years back, I began to suspect that, despite my age, I wasn't a
grownup at all, and neither was my wife. What tipped me off was
furniture. I noticed that over the years, all our friends had
gradually, somehow, acquired furniture that not only went together in
terms of color but also looked as though nobody had ever spilled
margaritas mixed with bean dip on it and then allowed it to harden for
several days on account of being too hung over to attempt cleaning
procedures. I wondered, How did our friends manage this? *Our*
furniture looks as though a random collection of large, unattractive
animals wandered into our living room and died. It always will.
I know this because recently, I came into possession of some unexpected
money, and I decided, by God, that I was going to buy a new sofa. I was
very determined about this. I took some measurements. I even started
looking at sofas in furniture stores. So you can imagine my surprise
when what I in fact brought home was a Gibson Les Paul electric guitar
and an amplifier loud enough to bring down enemy aircraft. This was
when I realized that, in terms of becoming a grownup, I was heading in
the wrong direction.
This is also true of people even older than I am. Ed, for example. Ed
is, technically, a 48-year-old automobile mechanic. He has everything a
mechanic should have: a building surrounded by broken cars, a uniform
covered with stains containing enough petrochemicals to meet the energy
needs of Utah for a year, a sign stating that if you try to pay with a
personal check, he will kill you with a wrench, etc. But what Ed
actually does with his time, as opposed to working on cars, is set off
fireworks. This is the truth. You go into his shop and all you can see
is this dense cloud of smoke, and suddenly, a rocket will go whizzing
past your ear, or maybe a little fireworks tank will come scuttling
toward your feet, sparking and shooting. In the background, through the
smoke, you can see Ed cackling.
You are thinking, But surely, he doesn't set off fireworks *all* the
time. True. He spends a lot of time ordering them over the phone.
Lately, he has even started *making* them. It has become difficult to
get him to even talk about, say, your brakes. So he is not the ideal
mechanic if your criterion is whether your car actually gets fixed. But
that's a very grown-up criterion. I think Ed's a great mechanic.
Perhaps you're wondering where you stand in regard to growing up.
Perhaps you have seen subtle signs of maturity in yourself, such as you
no longer own a working Pez dispenser, and you wonder Does this mean I'm
a grownup now? Well, I've been doing a lot of serious thinking about
this issue (not really, of course; I've been playing Nintendo), and I've
come up with some ways to decide where you stand. One of the most
important, of course, is
WHAT YOU DO WHEN 'TWIST AND SHOUT', BY THE
ISLEY BROTHERS, COMES ON THE CAR RADIO ?
If you're not a grownup yet, you turn the radio all the way up and sing
and dance in your seat and gradually increase your speed so that when
they reach the part that goes "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well
shake it up baby, now..." you're going - even if you're in a driveway -
a minimum of 60 miles per hour faster than the highest speed you ever
attained in driver-education class.
If you're a grownup, you never hear "Twist and Shout", because you're
tuned into one of those easy-listening stations that are always playing
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree", by the Dental Office
Singers. Or, worse, you're listening to talk radio and finding out what
average Americans think about issues (they think: Am I on? I *am*?!
Let me go turn my radio down!). Or, worst of all, if you have reached a
level of maturity verging on brain death, you're listening to somebody
talk about what happened on the stock market, and whether trading was
active.
Which leads us to another important area:
HOW YOU DEAL WITH FINANCIAL MATTERS
Grownups know where all their insurance policies are, what their cash
values are and exactly what they've insured. Nongrownups have a
cardboard box somewhere containing various formal-looking documents that
could be insurance policies but also could have something to do with
bowling. There is no way to tell except to look at them, which
nongrownups do not do.
Grownups reconcile their checking accounts and maintain minimum balances
to avoid service charges. Nongrownups like automatic-banking tellers,
because they can use them to find out if they have any money.
Grownups have Individual Retirement Accounts and long-term plans for
financial security. The nongrownup's retirement strategy is based on
the assumption that he will die at the age of 55 in a motorboat
accident.
Speaking of money, we need to discuss
BEHAVIOR IN THE WORKPLACE
Grownups have mapped out career paths for themselves and know who is on
the fast track and who is not. Nongrownups keep elaborate charts
showing who is leading in the ongoing lunchtime Frisbee tournament.
Grownups have certificates on their office walls stating that they have
successfully completed training programs in:
Administrative Motivation for Managers,
Managing and Administrating Motivators,
Motivating Administratively in Regard to Management,
Admonishing and Masturbating Administrators.
And so on. Grownups are always writing memoranda about what they have
received and what they are enclosing, as in: "I have received your
memorandum of the 14th and enclosing a copy of my memorandum of the
...". Nongrownups, as a precautionary measure, throw all incoming
correspondence away unopened unless it looks like it might be a check or
it comes from an attractive participant in the ongoing lunchtime Frisbee
tournament. Grownups refer to the vice-president for marketing as "Mr.
Bivensworth". Nongrownups refer to him as "the asshole".
Which brings us to
SOCIAL BEHAVIOR
When grownups meet you at semiformal parties, they look you square in
the eye and shake your hand firmly and remember your name. Nongrownups
don't meet you at all, because they're in the host's bedroom watching
the Celtics-76ers game and spilling beer on the bedspread in response to
important dunks.
Speaking of alcohol consumption, grownups know their limits.
Nongrownups know where there's a liquor store open.
Which often leads to
SEX
Grownups view it as part of a deeper relationship that involves
commitment, concern, honesty and sharing. Nongrownups view it exactly
the same way until maybe ten seconds after it's over, at which time they
start to wonder if the Celtics-76ers game is still on.
SOME EXAMPLES OF FAMOUS GROWNUPS
AND NONGROWNUPS
GROWNUPS NONGROWNUPS
The Supreme Court The House of Representatives
Mrs. Dan Quayle Mr. Dan Quayle
Doonesbury Calvin and Hobbes
England Italy
Of course, this is meant to give you only general, cursory guidelines
for deciding whether you're a grownup. To really *know* where you
stand, you have to conduct a thorough self-examination of your values,
your philosophy of life - your conceptualization of what the world is,
where it's going and what it all means. My guess is, you'd rather shoot
some baskets.
