[1528] in Humor
HUMOR: Marriage circa 1894
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jason D. Hintersteiner)
Fri Jul 19 10:36:42 1996
Date: Fri, 19 Jul 1996 10:28:28 -0400
To: ghanson@setec.com, es011e@uhura.cc.rochester.edu,
safire@merle.acns.nwu.edu, TFEINBERG@WELLESLEY.EDU,
st923457@pip.cc.brandeis.edu, ncgotta@MIT.EDU, jkhodor@MIT.EDU,
grisha@MIT.EDU, dimon@MIT.EDU, sniemczy@MIT.EDU, mariadf@MIT.EDU
From: "Jason D. Hintersteiner" <jdhinter@MIT.EDU>
Cc: humor@MIT.EDU
>Times have certainly changed. At least I hope so, especially for you all
>married people...
>
>Enjoy!
>
>Michele
>
>>
>>
>> Monday, July 15, 1996 8:30:01pm
>> rec.humor.funny Item
>> From: Dianne Ferrans,ddferran@ddf.b30.ingr.com,Internet
>> Subject: FW: Sex for Brides circa 1894
>> To: rec.humor.funny
>>
>>Since this was copyrighted over 100 years ago, I think it should be
>>OK to reprint.....
>>
>>[Note - I think so, too... - ed.]
>>
>>===================================================
>>copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
>>
>>===================================================
>>The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
>>Fall Issue, 1894:
>>
>> INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
>> FOR THE
>> YOUNG BRIDE
>> on the
>> Conduct and Procedure of the
>> Intimate and Personal Relationships
>> of the Marriage State
>> for the
>> Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
>> Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
>> by
>> Ruth Smythers
>> beloved wife of
>> The Reverend L.D. Smythers
>> Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
>> Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
>> Published in the year
>> of our Lord 1894
>> Spiritual Guidance Press
>> New York City
>>
>>
>> INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
>>
>>
>>To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
>>upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
>>most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the
>>wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a
>>beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing
>>a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the
>>negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride
>>must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the
>>terrible experience of sex.
>>
>>At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
>>young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
>>curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
>>sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
>>cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
>>GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
>>have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
>>
>>On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
>>it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
>>endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
>>compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
>>through it.
>> It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the
>>groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would
>>be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for
>>the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness
>>cannot be expected from the average man.
>>
>>Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise
>> bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
>>during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should
>>make every effort to reduce this frequency.
>>
>>Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
>>friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
>>also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
>>before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
>>
>>Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
>>denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A
>>good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
>>week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by
>>the end of the fifth year of marriage.
>>
>>By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their
>>child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all
>>sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon
>>his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband
>>in the home.
>> Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low
>>as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the
>>kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
>>perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a
>>variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include
>>among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions;
>>mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be
>>mouthed in turn.
>>
>>Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
>>photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
>>obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
>>
>>A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
>>her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body
>>to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
>>total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton
>>nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These
>>should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning
>>the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
>>
>>Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
>> should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
>>groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
>>direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should
>>let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will
>>stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
>>to deny him sexual access.
>>
>>When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
>>motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
>>optimistic husband.
>>
>>If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
>>slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If
>>he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her
>>gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull
>>the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that
>>nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his
>>desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
>>
>>If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
>>wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
>>him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no
>>matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
>>
>>Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
>>sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
>>The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the
>>waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus
>>make connection.
>>
>>She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
>>huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and
>>never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in
>>progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
>>wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him
>>to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their
>>sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after
>>the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace
>>in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged
>>to soon try for more.
>>
>>One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
>>that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
>>been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
>>sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to
>>the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half
>>cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
>>relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
>>completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
>>
>>copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
>>
>>- --
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