[1523] in Humor
HUMOR: Toasters
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Jul 16 15:45:38 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 1996 13:27:07 EDT
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 14:18:59 EDT
From: Erik Nygren <nygren@MIT.EDU>
From: Katy King <t-katyk@microsoft.com>
>----------
>From: Doron Holan
>Sent: Sunday, July 14, 1996 6:19 PM
>To: Social Intern
>Subject: [Humor] - Toasters
>
>If Xerox made toasters...
> You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
> Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
> The toaster would jam your bread for you.
>
>If Sun made toasters...
> The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
> Java.
>
>Does DEC still make toasters?...
> They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
>
>If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
> They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
> and gives you regular bread.
>
>If Tandem made toasters...
> You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the
> toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
>
>If Thinking Machines made toasters...
> You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
>
>If Cray made toasters...
> They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
> single-slice toaster in the world.
>
>If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
> It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
> Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
> service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
> blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
> documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
>
>If the NSA made toasters...
> Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
> access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
> national security.
>
>If Sony made toasters...
> The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
> of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
> your belt.
>
>If Timex made toasters...
> They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
> take a licking and keep on toasting.
>
>If Fisher Price made toasters...
> "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
> toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
>
>If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
> Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece
> of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
>
>If CostCo made toasters...
> They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
>
>And, of course:
>
>If Microsoft made toasters...
> Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
> toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
> have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
> (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
> electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
> your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
> control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
> secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
> them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
> would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their
> toasters.
>
>If Apple made toasters...
> It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
> earlier.
>
