[1447] in Humor
HUMOR: If Data were from Microsoft...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue May 21 18:21:27 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 18:15:04 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 16:43:32 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: Gustafson, Charles L.
Date: Monday, May 20, 1996 11:02AM
From: Mark Aguero
> What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows
> compatible?
>
> } WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
> }
> } PICARD: On screen.
> }
> } [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
> } only a single pixel wide.]
> }
> } PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
> }
> } DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
> } memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select
> } a lower resolution?
> }
> } PICARD: Make it so.
> }
> } [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
> } pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
> } warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
> } Invaders.]
> }
> } PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
> }
> } DATA: Aye, sir.
> }
> } [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
> } and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
> } on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of
> } light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
> }
> } WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
> }
> } PICARD: Shields up!
> }
> } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
> } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
> } you issue your next command.
> }
> } PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want
> } those shields up *right now*.
> }
> } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
> } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
> } you issue your next command.
> }
> } LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
> }
> } [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
> } floor.]
> }
> } DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to
> } cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
> } communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any
> } information sent by the Romulans.
> }
> } [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
> }
> } PICARD: Shields...
> }
> } [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
> } the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
> } from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
> } from the console.]
> }
> } PICARD: Up, Data!
> }
> } DATA: Aye, sir.
> }
> } RIKER: All decks, damage report!
> }
> } WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be
> } unconscious.
> }
> } [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
> } punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
> } hourglass back on the floor.]
> }
> } DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
> }
> } PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
> } Romulan ship.
> }
> } WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
> }
> } PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
> }
> } DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
> } installed for that console.
> }
> } PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
> }
> } DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
> }
> } PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
> }
> } RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
> }
> } LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
> }
> } PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
> } memory?
> }
> } DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
> } nostril.
> }
> } PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
> }
> } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
> }
> } PICARD: Abort!
> }
> } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
> }
> } PICARD: Well, fail, then!
> }
> } DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
> }
> } [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
> } lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
> } of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
> } from somewhere else in the ship.]
> }
> } LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
> }
> } PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
> }
> } RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
> } for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person
> } wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized
> } in industrial control robots.
> }
> } [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
> } the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a
> } few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
> } console, absolutely motionless.]
> }
> } PICARD: What's going on?
> }
> } LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
> } General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
> }
> } PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
> } anything with them.
> }
> } [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
> } full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
> } Ferengi, appears moments later.]
> }
> } FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
> } Captain?
