[1428] in Humor
HUMOR: The Miracle Toddler Diet
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue May 7 09:39:02 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 07 May 1996 09:30:58 EDT
Date: Tue, 7 May 1996 00:10:11 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: connie.davis@amail.amdahl.com
Subject: The Miracle Toddler Diet
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are
trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that
perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new
diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ...
otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of
toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime
Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten,
not smoked). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day
sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue
slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.
Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker
and finish eating it.
Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.
