[142] in Humor
HUMOR: The Ten Best Tools of all Time
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 14 11:00:50 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 94 10:56:59 EST
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 94 16:02:23 PST
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: The ten best tools of all time
From several sources.
> THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
> By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA
>
> There are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any
> place, any time.
>
> Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
> Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
> car, any place, any time.
>
> 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
> and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
> upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
> package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in
> concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans -
> winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing
> that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
>
> 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
> twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
> tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
> designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
>
> 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
> alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm.
> Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea
> Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these
> sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
> you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
>
> 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
> the bike looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
> when you knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat
> butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
> replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
> afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
> or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
> lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
> Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
>
> 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
> battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on
> the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
> banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
> a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
>
> 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
> and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
> slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can
> transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working
> model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a
> wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used bikes,
> subtract $ 100.00 for each zip tie under the tank.
>
> 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
> Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
> breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
> particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the
> tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
> removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break
> the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said
> - who cares? It's guaranteed.
>
> 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, bailing wire
> holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's
> not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
> never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a
> sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph,
> and other single and vertical twins set.
>
> 9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
> ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
> you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than
> medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
> force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
> doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
> up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
> in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
>
> 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
> See #1 above.
>
> PRINTED COURTESY OF THE MORRIS MINOR REGISTRY
