[141] in Humor
HUMOR: Classic Dave - Exploding Animals
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 14 10:56:31 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 94 10:52:33 EST
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 94 02:01:52 EST
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM
I've gotten portions of this Dave classic from several people, so it's
probably about time to rerun the entire text.
BREAK OUT THE DYNAMITE:
ANOTHER IN A SERIES OF EXPLODING ANIMAL TALES
by DAVE BARRY
Here at the Exploding Animal Research Institute we have received two
very alarming news items that we are passing along today in the hopes
that you, the generalized public, will finally break out of your
apathetic, selfish, materialistic lifestyles and send us some large cash
contributions.
Item One, submitted by numerous alert readers, concerns the recent
criminally insane vote by the U.S. Senate AGAINST having the federal
government monitor methane emissions from cows. I am not making this
vote up. As you may be aware, cows emit huge quantities of methane,
which contributes to global warming, which has gotten so bad in some
areas that brand-new shirts are coming out of the factory with armpit
stains already in them. So the U.S. Senate (motto: "White Male
Millionaires Working for You") was considering an amendment to the Clean
Air Act, under which the government would monitor methane emissions from
various sources, including "animal production."
Well, as you can imagine, this did not sit well with the senators from
those states where cow flatulence is a cherished way of life. Leading
the herd of opposition senators was Sen. Steve Symms of Idaho ("The
Exploding Potato State"), who took the floor and stated that the
amendment would -- this is an actual quote -- "put the nose of the
federal government in almost every place it does not belong."
So the Senate took out the part about monitoring animal methane, which
means there will be no advance warning when, inevitably, there is some
kind of cow-interior blockage, causing a potentially lethal buildup of
flammable gases and transforming one of these normally docile creatures
into a giant mooing time bomb which, if detonated, could cause the
dreaded Rain of Organs. Have you ever, in a supermarket, accidentally
encountered a cow tongue -- a large sluglike slab of gray flesh that you
couldn't imagine anybody purchasing for any purpose other than to nail
it to the front door in hopes of scaring off evil spirits? Well, I'd
like to know what Sen. Symms would say if one of those babies came
hurtling out of the sky and struck him at upwards of 100 miles per hour.
"Yuck," would be my guess.
I base this statement on a similar situation in Oregon where innocent
civilians were struck by falling whale parts. I am absolutely not making
this incident up; in fact, I have it all on videotape, which I obtained
from the alert father-son team of Dean and Kurt Smith. The tape is from
a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover a
45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The
responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon
State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and
whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not
making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking
here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be
eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale, and set it off. I am probably guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the
most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the
whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you
hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Wheee!" Then, suddenly,
the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound, the sound of many
objects hitting the ground with a noise that sounds like "splud." You
hear a woman's voice shouting "Here comes pieces of ... my GOD!"
Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber
fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than
a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting
whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the
sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the Institute we watch it
often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a
time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and
ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an
estimate on the U.S. Capitol.
(C) 1990 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
