[1390] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: Alternate Tax Form
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Apr 16 11:16:08 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 1996 11:00:01 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "Jim Pellmann" <jgp@Rational.COM>
F 11 000 4 000 Department of the Treasury - 11 999 999 55555
O 111 0 0 44 0 0 Internal Revenue Service 111 9 9 9 9 5
R 1 0 0 44444 0 0 U U SSS 1 9999 9999 555
M 1 0 0 4 0 0 U U SSS Individual Income 1 9 9 5
11111 000 4 000 UUU SSS Tax Return 11111 999 999 5555
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For the year January 1 - December 31, 1995 or whenever you get around to it.
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please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL| Starch | []cuffs
print,| | | | []yes []no | []nocuffs
type |-----------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hiero-| guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above)
glyph-|
ics |-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(no | City, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41? []yes
Latin)| | If yes, why? ________________ []no
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Height | Weight| Sex []yes | Occu- Yours ________ | Social Security Number
| | []no | pation Spouse ________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|_
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> Do you wish to designate []yes | Isn't | NOTE: if you
Presidential>> $3 of your taxes to this []no | this a | checked yes
Election >>> worthy cause? []maybe | dumb law? | we will come
Campaign >> What about the little lady? []metoo| []yes | and steal all
> The kids, dog, cat, fish? []woof | []no | your hubcaps.
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Requested > A. How many talking chickens do you own? | D yes? []no
by >> B. Names _______________________________ | E no? []yes
the >>> C. Do any of them play oboe? []yes []no | F maybe? []perhaps
Department >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------
of >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have you rotated| If no file IRS
Agriculture>> of a decent pizza place? | your tires lately?| tire rotation
> []yes []no []extra cheese | []yes []no []flat | Schedule L
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Filing 1 [] Single 2 [] Double 3 [] Triple 4 [] Sacrifice Fly | IRS use
Status 5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return | O | | X
(even if spouse is married separately) |---|---|---
6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse | | X |
(but filing double jointed) |---|---|---
7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return | X | O | O
(if unmarried but jointly single) |-----------
8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
9 [] Widow with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
(attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
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Exem- 41 a regular? | Enter number of
ptions b [] yourself [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead | boxes checked ___
[] spouse [] 65 or over [] blind [] dead |
c Names of Dependent children who lived with | Check number of
You you __________________ Why? _______________ | boxes entered ___
are d Just first names dummy. |
here 4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form? | Enter number of
| e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross | checkered boxes__
| Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/ than twelve miles) | Do nothing
v f How many inches in a liter? _____ | Here ___
* 11 a Total Confusion
(add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) ------> ---
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Income 12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to |##| | |
your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . |12|_____|_|
13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then |##| | |
Please file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . |13|_____|_|
attach 14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . |14|_____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list |##| | |
(small schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but |##| | |
unmarked more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|_____|_|
bills) 16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under |##| | |
here. the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . |16|_____|_|
| -------------------------------------------------------------------
|___ 17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2, |##| | |
this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|_____|_|
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Taxes 18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . |18|_____|_|
19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . |19|_____|_|
20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . |20|_____|_|
21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . |##| | |
[] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X or Q [] Guessed. . |21|_____|_|
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Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|_____|_|
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Amount 25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake, |##| | |
You re-figure your taxes. |##| | |
Owe 26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|_____|_|
27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|_____|_|
28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|_____|_|
29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|_____|_|
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Please > Under penalty of death, I declare every figure on this return and
Sign >> accompanying schedules is correct to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here > Signature _________________________ date ___________ check here []
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