[1389] in Humor
HUMOR: Smithsonian letter (fwd)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (clineja@MIT.EDU)
Sat Apr 13 21:59:36 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1996 21:51:41 EDT
From: Q <clineja@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
From: Mark D Smith <mdsmith@wiggle.mit.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 96 16:13:57 EDT
>
> This is an actual letter from the Archives of the Smithsonian.
>
> Paleoanthropology Division
> Smithsonian Institute
> 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington DC 20078
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D,
> layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given
> this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
> you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive
> proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two millions
> years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
> Barbie doll, of the variety one of out staff, who has small children,
> believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a
> great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
> quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
> the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
> However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of
> the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
> 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
> fossilized bone.
> 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
> centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
> proto-hominids.
> 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
> the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
> Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This
> latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
> have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
> seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
> detail, let us say that:
> A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
> chewed on.
> B. Clams don't have teeth.
>
> It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
> request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the
> heavy load out lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
> carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
> record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
> prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly
> inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we
> approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the
> concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus
> spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for
> the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down
> because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really
> sound like it might be Latin.
>
> However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
> specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
> is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
> you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
> Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
> of the specimen you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
> the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in
> your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly
> anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your
> last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
> We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
> surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
> structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex
> femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of the
> rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
>
> Yours In Science,
> Harvey Rowe
> Curator, Antiquities
>
------- End of Forwarded Message
