[139] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave - The Idiot Box
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sun Mar 13 11:23:34 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Sun, 13 Mar 94 11:18:29 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc:
by Dave Barry
> As a parent as well as a human being, I am deeply
>concerned about all this violence and sex and nudity on
>television. Especially the nudity. Why can't they put it on
>earlier? A lot of us parents are asleep by 9:30 p.m. Why can't
>they show nudity when WE'RE watching? They could feature it in
>programs that children never watch, such as the network news.
>("Good evening, I'm Dan Rather." "And I'm Connie Chung." "And
>I'm Bambi.")
> No, seriously, I am deeply concerned about TV sex and
>violence, and so is the U.S. Senate (motto: "Working Hard For You
>To Re-Elect Us"). Leading the way by courageously holding press
>conferences is Sen. Paul Simon, who has a special stake in this
>issue because he receives TV signals directly via his ears, which
>are like satellite dishes, but bigger. (And before I get an angry
>letter from the Association of People With Unusually Large Body
>Parts, let me state that I, personally, find this attractive.)
> As a result of this concern on the part of Sen. Simon and
>myself, I decided to attend this year's National Association of
>Television Program Executives (NATPE) convention in Miami Beach.
>This is a major annual gathering of TV executives, who are wooed
>intensively by people trying to sell TV programs. The convention
>is held in a huge hall filled with flashy display booths featuring
>lavish buffets, costumed characters, models wearing outfits that
>would look skimpy even on much smaller models, and Personal
>Appearances by famous stars such as -- while I was there -- Wink
>Martindale, Ivana Trump, Captain Planet, Burt Reynolds and Mr.
>Food.
> The purpose of the glitz is to lure TV executives into the
>booths; they are then taken into elaborately furnished back-room
>deal-making areas, where they talk business while sipping
>complimentary beverages containing a chemical that temporarily
>renders them so stupid that they will willingly purchase programs
>such as "The Best of Love Connection," which consists of reruns
>of astoundingly shallow people recounting their dates with other
>astoundingly shallow people.
> I'm kidding about the stupidity, of course. The TV
>programming executives are SMART to purchase this type of show.
>They are making Dumpsterloads of money, because we watch these
>shows. WE'RE the idiots. Not that you'11 hear THAT from Sen.
>Simon. He's not about to say: "If you don't like what's on, TURN
>OFF THE TV, YOU MORONS, and let the Senate deal with REAL issues,
>such as whether federal health care should cover ear reductions."
> No, he's not going to tell us that, and we're not going to
>stop watching these shows, which is why the TV executives are not
>going to stop buying them. The NATPE convention was full of
>purposeful, suit-wearing, briefcase-carrying people, frowning and
>talking -- in hushed, urgent tones suitable for discussing nuclear
>proliferation -- about shows such as "Biker Mice From Mars."
>This is an actual show. I hung around in the "Biker Mice" booth
>and eavesdropped as two intense TV executives discussed it while
>standing right next to two people costumed as enormous mice
>wearing Hells-Angels-style outfits.
> "It's going to depend on the percentage," one of the
>executives was saying, as the giant mice waved to the crowd.
> "Yes, but it HAS to be a separate financial entity," the
>other executive said. As if to emphasize this point, the giant
>mice bumped butts with each other.
> "Biker Mice From Mars" is, needless to say, a children's
>show. Here are some of the other ones listed in the NATPE program
>directory (I am not making these up): "Clowns of Justice,"
>"Chicken Minute," "The Yum Yums," "The Whimblies," "The Moo
>Family," "Goomer's," "Noozles," "Smoggies," "Bumpety
>Boo," "Scuddlemutt," "Dinky Dog," "Wowser," "Bubsy,"
>"Mirthworms on Stage," "Rude Dog and the Dweebs," "High
>Narc," "Goshu the Cellist," "Basil Hears a Noise," "The
>Great Bong," "The Miraculous Mellops," "P.J. Funnybunny" and
>"Let's Make War."
> Also you need to know that there is a nature show called
>"Wombats: Bulldozers of the Bush."
> The highlight of the convention for me was when Mike
>Donovan, a college professor who also works for NATPE (at least
>until this column appears), showed me a tape of one of the
>greatest TV shows of all time: "Winky Dink." This was the first
>"interactive" TV show. You, the viewer, sent 50 cents to Box 5,
>New York 19, New York, and you got back a Magic Window, which was
>a piece of transparent plastic that you put on your TV screen.
>Then, under the direction of your host, Jack Barry, you used
>special crayons to draw lines on the plastic. (Or, if you were my
>sister and I, and you didn't have a Magic Window, you drew right
>on the TV screen and interacted with your parents later.)
> After the lines were drawn, you and Jack Barry said the
>Magic Word "WINKO!" and the lines became part of, say, a
>bridge, which Winky Dink would use to get across a river.
> ("What always bothered me," said Mike, "was that even
>if you didn't draw the lines, Winky Dink still got across the
>river.")
> As part of a nostalgia display, NATPE had a TV set up on
>the convention floor, playing old Winky Dink shows. Mike put a
>piece of plastic on the screen and gave me a marker. I drew the
>lines where Jack Barry told me to, producing a vaguely round
>object.
> "OK, kids," said Jack Barry. "Let's say the magic word!
>One, two, three ..."
> "WINKO!!" yelled Mike and I, causing startled TV
>executives to whirl around and stare at us. Inside the circle I
>had drawn, goldfish appeared. It was a fish bowl! You don't get
>quality entertainment like that anymore. Which is probably just as
>well, because -- Sen. Simon, take note -- the fish were naked.
>
>(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
>DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
