[1349] in Humor
HUMOR: Employer Talk
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Mar 13 11:55:03 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 13 Mar 1996 11:43:21 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 1996 23:30:41 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: Richard.Johnson@Colorado.EDU (Richard Johnson)
From: woodstck@pure.com (Nathan Hess)
[Fwds deleted...]
We're all fluent in this modern language. It's what we use when we want
to exaggerate a little bit on our resumes or applications. It's also
what we adopt when we're looking for a new person to join our company --
or not. Here's one interpretation of this secret labor code that
appears in classified ads, cover letters, and resumes:
EMPLOYER TALK
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there
won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have
to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years
ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a
month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to
supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for
your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which
has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund
your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
contribution.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will
bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't
drink with them.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV
and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each
weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own
time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of
layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying
something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is
just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure
out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brownnosers.
APPLICANT SPEAK
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people
what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used
Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about
all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai
Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell
them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm
outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual
harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my
breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest
and wishing me luck in my future career.
