[1348] in Humor
HUMOR: twisted Torah tales
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Mar 12 10:39:24 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 1996 10:32:42 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: marthag@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 1996 07:32:30 EST
From: etm@world.std.com (Elka T Menkes)
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 10:30:28 -0500 (EST)
From: adine@MAIL.WESLEYAN.EDU (Andrea Dine)
It is great what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young
scholars around the world:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the
unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St.
John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was
a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off
the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was
by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is
called monotony.
Enjoy!
Andrea
