[1336] in Humor
HUMOR: Memorable Quotes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Mar 5 10:03:40 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 05 Mar 1996 09:54:44 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 22:52:12 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: From the New Yorker
From: janos@netcom.com (Janos Gereben)
From the New Yorker over the years:
It probably won't happen to you or your spouse, but what if you were to
die before you were able to complete your IRA program? Untimely death
could have a serious effect on the retirement lifestyle you've planned.
(in a letter from the Fidelity Federal Savings and Loan Assn.)
Bring in this coupon, buy a friend one of our specials and get yours free.
*Friends must be of equal or lesser value*
(on a flyer from the Coach House Restaurant in Norfolk, VA)
Unless one has managed to live an amazingly puritanical life, it is safe
to assume that everyone has buried deep within our minds and souls an
incident of the past which involves ourselves.
(from the "University of Western Ontario Gazette")
"Much too frequently, the criminal escapes the scene of a crime because
he manages to escape the visual capability of the responding officers,"
said Monterey Park Police Chief Jon Elder.
(as reported in the "Los Angeles Times")
St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, vacation home, sleeps six, overlooking
Mediterranean, available weekly or monthly.
(in the Prudential Insurance Company's Corporate Office Courier)
The commerce report on durable goods was seen as an encouraging sign that
the economy may finally be ending.
(as reported in the "Milwaulkee Journal")
"Exhibitionists Being Sought for Crafts Fair"
(headline in the "Park Forest, Ill., Star")
A private passenger vehicle is one registered to an individual with a
gross weight of less than 8000 pounds.
(from the "Meredith, NH, News")
"NEXT," the magazine of the future, has suspended publication.
(as reported in "The Writer")
A British Airways 747 carrying 203 passengers landed safely in London
after being struck by lightning just minutes after taking off from
Los Angeles International Airport.
In the interview, Nancy Reagan said she supports capital punishment,
adding, "I think that people would be alive today if there were a
death penalty."
(from the "Riverside Press")
$1.00 off any ice cream cake in stock... since 1934.
(advertisement in the "Harrison Independent")
Mr. Harris, just minutes before adjournment, said "This is only the
beginning. I think the future is ahead for Georgia."
(as reported in the "Atlanta Journal and Constitution")
Gould, who sips instant coffee from a falling apart, overstuffed armchair
amidst his filing cabinets, laughs.
(from "The Boston Globe")
"We will initiate work that hasn't been started, but we're not going to
really start any new construction that hasn't already been underway for
some time now," said corps spokesman Ed Greene.
(from the "Chicago Tribune")
Asked if he often his opposite-field homeruns, Carter said, "I can
count them on my right hand-- probably about ten."
(from the "Montreal Gazette")
