[1335] in Humor
HUMOR" Barbies We'd Like to See
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Mar 4 16:18:50 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 15:49:41 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 15:47:12 -0500
From: pug@MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
- ------- Forwarded Message
>> Barbies We'd Like To See
>>
>> Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
>> comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
>>
>> Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
>>
>> Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
>> camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform
>> surgery on herself in the Outback.
>>
>> Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
>> pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for
>> women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons
>> may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second
>> jobs in order to make ends meet.
>>
>> Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and
>> out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass,
>> and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn
>> about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included:
>> tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as
>> contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various
>> stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring
>> that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her
>> own Barbie.
>>
>> Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
>> Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
>> teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah
>> for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
>>
>> Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
>> jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
>> attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think
>> so,""Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not
>> to take shit from men and condesending White people.
>>
>>
>> Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
>>
>> Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
>> walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is
>> hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
>>
>> Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin,
>> a real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to
>> show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a
>> miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny
>> Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of
>> potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of
>> course, an appetite.
>>
>> ----------
>>
>> The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
>> have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
>> After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
>> flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
>>
>> If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
>> follow. Some possibilities:
>>
>> Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
>> where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other
>> accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest
>> warrant.
>>
>> Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
>> homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the
>> Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.
>>
>> America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
>> against feminism.
>>
>> Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually
>> speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math
>> class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear
>> Barbie's clothes.
>>
>> My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
>> teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.
>>
>> Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with
>> this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high
>> school, married too young and ate too much.
>>
>> Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie
>> set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls
>> mysteriously disappear.
>>
>
