[1327] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: Cat Bathing
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Feb 27 10:31:19 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 10:19:22 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 15:45:27 -0500
From: pug@MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Subject: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art (long, but very silly!)
[headers removed]
>
> Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
> by Bud Herron
>
>Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
>themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
>their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
>where it hides and whisking it away.
>
>I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
>believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -
>the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
>smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
>
>The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
>look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
>and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
>Juarez."
>
>When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
>advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you
>arm and head for the bathtub:
>
>* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
> of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
> Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try
> to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick
> a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square,
> I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding
> -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower
> curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
> curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
>
>* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
> skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
> know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
> tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
> an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
>
>* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
> towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw
> the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
> enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
> on your back in the water.
>
>* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
> simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
> your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
> rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
> part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
>
>* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
> a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
> enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
> squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
> of your life. Cats have no handles.
>
> Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
> compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or
> three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
> remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
> He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
> himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings,
> so don't expect too much.)
>
>* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
> part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
> this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
> drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
> because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
> You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
> wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
> of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
> shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
> water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
> down and dry the cat.
>
>In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
>He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
>spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
>psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
>
>You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
>case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
>defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him
>a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
>:)
>
