[1326] in Humor
HUMOR: This is true for 18 Feb
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Feb 27 10:14:16 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 10:07:23 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sat, 24 Feb 1996 13:22:38 -0500
From: mabehr@MIT.EDU (Michael Behr)
The URBAN DARWINISM story is great...
- -Mike
>From: Randy Cassingham <arcie@netcom.com>
>
>Dispatched this week to 93 countries AND the Armed Forces Communications
> and Electronics Association international headquarters in Fairfax,
> Virginia, it's...
>
>THIS is TRUE for 18 February 1996 Copyright 1996 by Randy Cassingham
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>OFF, OFF, OFF, OFF, OFF BROADWAY: The City of New York has printed
> tourist guides for its newest attraction: Staten Island's Fresh Kills
> Landfill. Sanitation workers turned tour guides will follow a 30-page
> script to point out the various sights, such as the cranes which
> unload barges full of trash 24 hours a day. "There seems to be an
> increasing demand" for tours, insists deputy landfill director
> William Cloke. (AP) ...Mostly residents looking for the bullet-
> riddled bodies of missing relatives.
>
>MACGYVER SQUAD: U.S. troops in Bosnia-Herzegovina are apparently bored.
> Enterprising grunts have taken to using the chemical heating packs
> that come with their "Meals, Ready-to-Eat" to make small explosive
> devices to perk up their days. MREs are coming to be known as "Meals,
> Ready-to-Explode". (Reuter) ...Considering Army food, wouldn't this
> be considered a biological weapon?
>
>HIS OWN IMAGE: A San Rafael, Calif., man who had his name changed to
> Ubiquitous Perpetuity God has been convicted of indecent exposure and
> sentenced to nine months in jail. God, 68, who has been convicted 18
> times for similar acts since 1978, came to the U.S. from Cuba in
> search of "women, silver, gold, knowledge and God." God said he
> exposes himself to women so they "could have some type of awareness
> of God." (AP) ...And it works: when they see him, they scream "Oh My
> God!"
>
>THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART: Rex and Teresa LeGalley have everything
> covered. The Albuquerque, N.M., couple signed a 16-page prenuptial
> agreement that dictates everything from the brand of gas they'll put
> in their car to the time they go to bed and get up. "A lot of people
> say a prenuptial is something you do in case you get divorced," said
> Teresa (who has been married once before). Instead, they plan to use
> it to ensure they don't get one. "This gives us a list we can live
> with," said Rex (who's been married twice before). (AP) ...Sure Rex
> can live with it: he has a signed contract for sex 3-5 times a week.
>
>URBAN DARWINISM: Robert Phillips was pretty sure the two teenaged
> carjackers who were making him drive his sports car to his
> Tallahassee, Fla., bank at gunpoint were going to kill him when they
> were through draining his account. So before they could, he swerved
> his car and crashed into a parked truck. Phillips escaped injury
> thanks to an air bag. One carjacker was killed in the crash; the
> other had to be cut from the wreckage, but suffered only minor
> injuries. He now faces kidnapping and carjacking charges. Phillips
> isn't terribly upset with the death. "They were intent on removing me
> from the equation," he said. (AP) ...Obviously, they flunked algebra.
>
>URBAN DARWINISM II: "He ran outside and said, `Whoops,"' says Cadiz,
> Ky., police chief Ray White. A gunman robbed a food mart of $170,
> then fled to his getaway car parked out front. It was locked, its
> keys in the ignition. With the store clerks calling the cops, Kevin
> Stanley Stokes, 25, frantically kicked through the back window of the
> car so he could get inside -- just as police arrived. He led officers
> on a 21-mile chase before giving up. (AP) ...How much would you bet
> that the passenger-side door was unlocked?
>
>URBAN DARWINISM III: "He missed the beeper number by one number," says
> an Omaha, Neb., police spokesman. A man was paging a customer, and
> accidentally misdialed, reaching instead the pager of an undercover
> narcotics officer, who called the number on his beeper. "The guy
> indicated he was a drug dealer and that he sold large amounts of
> crack cocaine," the spokesman said. The officer played along, met the
> man and purchased more than an ounce of crack. The dealer and an
> accomplice have been arrested. (AP) ...Police are still awaiting a
> call from the guy with the other pager.
>
>IF THE SMELL WON'T EMIT YOU MUST ACQUIT: Villagers in the British town
> of Bruntingthorpe are so distressed over uncurbed dogs that they are
> taking stool samples from all the pooches in town to create a DNA
> data base so that ...uh... evidence from canine squat-and-runs can be
> identified. Will dog owners cooperate with the data collection? "I am
> sure they will all be happy to take part, if only to prove their
> innocence," said Parish councillor Ian Eperon. (Reuter) ...And, once
> cleared, they can then hunt for the "real" poopers.
>
>SHORELINE PROPERTY VALUES SKYROCKET: Brazilian congressman Fernando
> Gabeira has introduced a constitutional amendment to legalize nudity
> on all beaches in that country; currently, only five beaches are
> "officially" clothing-optional. But Rep. Gerson Peres thinks the new
> freedom "will start a vicious circle. People who go nude on the beach
> will soon want to walk around naked everywhere." (AP) ...So what's
> your point?
>
>ANTISOCIAL, NOT UNCIVILIZED: "Burglars Take Tea Break During Robbery" --
> Reuter headline
>
>ON THE RADIO: Welcome this week to country 93, Sri Lanka. We'll get to
> 100 yet! The list of countries TRUE goes to every week is too long to
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