[1305] in Humor
HUMOR: In a Rush
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Feb 15 09:39:29 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 09:29:38 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 00:07:36 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
Subject: Excerpt from Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 1996 11:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
...
Forwarded-by: TomAqMar@aol.com
RUSH LIMBAUGH IS A BIG FAT IDIOT & Other Observations
-- by Al Franken
Here's an excerpt: the actual transcript of a call Franken's assistant,
Geoff, made to Rush Limbaugh's underworked fact-checker, Waylon:
GEOFF: Hi, Waylon! Haven't heard from you in a while.
WAYLON: Yeah, sorry about that. I've been having a lot of trouble
checking my voice mail. I keep forgetting my access code.
GEOFF: Have you tried using your birthday?
WAYLON: You can't really do that on this system. It only takes numbers.
GEOFF: All-righty then...why don't I put Mr. Franken on.
AL FRANKEN:
Hi, Waylon! Megadittoes!
WAYLON: What?
AL: Never mind. Listen Waylon, we're preparing our annual report
on the environment here at Empower USA, and we just wanted to
run a couple of Rush's comments by you before we publish them
as incontrovertible fact.
WAYLON: I'm your man.
AL: Okay, let's jump right in. First of all, back in 1991, Rush
claimed that Styrofoam was biodegradable and paper wasn't.
WAYLON: Right. I remember that. That is... uh... that's totally wrong.
AL: Oh.
WAYLON: Yeah, we caught a lot of flak for that one.
AL: Okay. How about this one? In his book, "See, I Told You So,"
Rush writes: "There are more acres of forestland in America
today than when Columbus discovered the continent in 1492."
WAYLON: Wait. Is that Chapter Fourteen?
AL: Uh-huh.
WAYLON: Yeah. Here's the thing. I didn't do Chapter Fourteen. We
had a temp in that week, so I just farmed it out.
AL: Really?
WAYLON: Yeah, good kid. Didn't have a whole lot on the ball, though.
Just out of curiosity, are there more acres of forestland now
than in 1492?
AL: No. Turns out Rush was off by about a quarter of a billion acres.
WAYLON: Wow! Don't tell the Sierra Club.
AL: Don't worry. Let me ask you a little something about global
warming.
WAYLON: Doesn't exist.
AL: Fair enough. But in 1992 Rush said it wouldn't be a big deal
if it did exist because "Even if the polar ice caps melted,
there would be no rise in ocean levels... After all, if you have
a glass of water with ice cubes in it, as the ice melts, it
simply turns to liquid and the water level in the glass remains
the same."
WAYLON: Well, that's just common sense.
AL: Except that most of the world's ice is on land.
WAYLON: Hold it. You lost me there.
AL: Antarctica. It's a continent, not an ice cube.
WAYLON: Your point?
AL: If the ice cap melted, sea level around the world would rise about
two hundred feet.
WAYLON: Holy cow! We'd all drown!
AL: Calm down, Waylon.
WAYLON: Calm down?! I've got a basement apartment!
(Franken's book is now available at your better bookstores, from
Delacorte Press.)
