[1304] in Humor
HUMOR: Parenthood
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Feb 14 10:48:46 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 1996 10:28:10 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 1996 16:34:48 -0700
From: mliberty@techreps.com (Merlyn Liberty)
The String and Octopus Guide to Parenthood
copyright Colin Bowles, Americanized version
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
pillowcase filled with beans down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for
the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from
5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a
radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious noise) playing loudly. At
10
pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up
at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 am. Put
the
alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 am and make a
drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes
off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get
up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the
flower beds, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so
that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton, using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an empty
packet of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the play group
committee.
7. Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you
can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in
the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the
cassette player. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies.
Mash them into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of
the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it
again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream
that you've had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out
and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now
just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to a preschool child -- a fully-grown goat is excellent.
If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and
attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
making sure a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a
12-month-old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, and
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I Love You" at
work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Merlyn Liberty
Tech Reps, Inc.
TRI: (505)266-5678, x265
SNL Mornings: (505)844-7066
