[1285] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Short Bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Jan 29 10:38:22 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 1996 10:18:46 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 1996 13:44:47 -0500
From: Erik Nygren <nygren@MIT.EDU>
From: katyking@MIT.EDU
From: Betsy King <kingb@freenet.scri.fsu.edu>
There are 7 messages totalling 203 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
1. Meaningful Words... <clean>
2. Lunchtime Banking < May offend the overweit>
3. Wiped out? <adult themes>
4. More HUMOR The sequel <clean>
5. More HUMOR the sequel Part II <clean>
6. Every one has Scottish Blood in them!
7. "Reasons to Upgrade to WIN95" <poss offensive to suicides>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 10:28:20 +0800
From: Jopee Camingue <jopee@NTEP.TMG.NEC.CO.JP>
Subject: Meaningful Words... <clean>
DANCING - a vertical expression of a horizontal
intention
KISSING - an upward agression of a downward
invasion
MARRIAGE - a signing of a contract for a drilling
exploration
PANTY - a man's worst enemy for it covers the main
objective
BABY - a nine months interest of a man's deposit
**************************************************
Just a thought...
The quantity of your happiness depends
upon the quality of your thoughts.
**************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 13:17:32 -0500
From: Patrick Ash <pash@OMNI.VOICENET.COM>
Subject: Lunchtime Banking < May offend the overweit>
A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some
business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting
their turn in the cattle chutes. They took their place in line
directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion.
She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying
an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag
that had a pager clipped to it.
After several minutes in line, the boy remarked 'Dad, that woman
has the biggest thighs I have ever seen'
Sshh. You shouldn't talk about people like that. You will hurt
their feelings.
After several more minutes, the boy again remarked 'Dad, that
woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen'
' I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it
will be our turn shortly. '
Just as he finished speaking, the woman's pager went off.
beep .. beep .. beep .. beep
LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 14:00:26 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Wiped out? <adult themes>
An armless man walks into a bar which is empty except for the
bartender. He orders a drink and when he is served he asks the
bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket,
since he has no arms. The bartender obliges him and then asks if the
bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this
until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would
get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The
bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have
arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man
said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is
your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in
the gas station three blocks down the street." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 00:12:58 UT
From: "D. S. Paull" <DLJBS@MSN.COM>
Subject: More HUMOR The sequel <clean>
"Johnson," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you
didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Johnson protested. "And I have the fish
to prove it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there were 3 guys arguing about whose wood heater was most
efficient. The first guy said he had to crack a window when the
temperature got above 22 degrees. The second guy said his worked
so good, he had to operate it with the windows opened. The third
guy said his was so efficient, he had to install it in the front yard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery recently. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to
be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves
alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes,
broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of
here before they accuse us of wrecking this place."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher, hard up for subjects to talk about, was
discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his time on the ark.
A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
A boy countered, "With only two worms?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
4. We won't need reservations.
5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A first grader came home all excited about the minor fire that
had broken out at school.
"I just knew it was going to happen," he told his mother.
"We've been practicing for it all year long."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore,
the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 20:02:16 UT
From: "D. S. Paull" <DLJBS@MSN.COM>
Subject: More HUMOR the sequel Part II <clean>
If Alexander Graham Bell had had a daughter, he'd never have
invented the telephone!
........
Fish must be brain food, because they travel in schools!
........
Fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in
port!
........
Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at
the other!
........
There's nothing a fisherman can do if his worm ain't trying!
........
Penny adores seafood, especially saltwater taffy!
........
Gambling is a great way of getting nothing for something.
........
We have a dozen bingo halls in our town. All the proceeds go to
fight gambling.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 20:16:37 UT
From: "D. S. Paull" <DLJBS@MSN.COM>
Subject: Every one has Scottish Blood in them!
Story told one week ago by a minister at a banquet in honor of Robert Burn's
(Scottish Poet)
The gist of it was this:
All around the world during the month of January over 27,000 different
gathering in honor of the anniversary of the birthday of Robert Burn's. And at
such gatherings every one claims to have a bit of Scottish blood in them. "Oh
my great -Great-Granddaddy was a Scott. I have 10% Scott heritage." Such
claims make them Scottish. (it fits the bill)
Even in Polynesia, where the white man had not set foot for 350 years some on
claims to have Scottish blood. When asked how, his response was, "My
Grandfather ate a Presbyterian Minister"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 1996 22:18:12 EST
From: Hans Neser <100241.171@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: "Reasons to Upgrade to WIN95" <poss offensive to suicides>
TOP REASONS TO UPGRADE TO WINDOWS 95
You own shares in Microsoft
You're a friend of Bill's
Love that 32 bit/16 bit/2 bit operating system
Your PC has been bad and you must punish it
The suicide hotline was busy
You're a big supporter of the Computer Hardware Industry
Couldn't wait for Windows 96
Monopolies - your best friend
************************************************
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1996 to 27 Jan 1996
************************************************
