[1282] in Humor
HUMOR: The Best Starfleet Captain
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Jan 25 18:07:00 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 17:50:51 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
And no, I don't want any corrections/additions from Star Trek Nit Pickers
Association... :)
-Drew
From: Lena A. Davis <lad@media.mit.edu>
Subject: Why Capt. Janeway is the Best Star Trek Captain (fwd)
To: gathering@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 96 16:53:21 EST
From: "Kendall P. Bullen" <kendall@his.com>
Subject: Why Capt. Janeway is the Best Star Trek Captain
From:Gerard Monsen <gmonsen@hou.lbl.gov
Why Capt. Janeway is the Best Star Trek Captain
1. One word: hair, more hair than all previous Star Trek commanding
officers combined.
2. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
3. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
4. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
5. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
6. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
7. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
8. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her
way through.
9. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
10. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
11. Isn't French with an English accent.
12. "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is
here, either, but I loved that line!
13. Will give you two days off to ponder your life shattering
experience.
14. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying
to convince them to behave better.
15. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
16. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
17. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of
trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
18. 15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
19. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.
20. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
21. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt;Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network
television.
22. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
23. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day
come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the
deadliest of force".
24. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
25. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess
Leia.
26. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy,
Paris,are YOU ever stupid."
27. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
28. Has a more manly voice.
29. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
30. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.
31. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
32. Her CONN officer can use contractions.
33. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all
humankind.
34. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.
