[1276] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: MS Marketing Made Easy
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Jan 23 17:13:15 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 1996 16:27:42 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 1996 13:20:04 -0500
From: Erik Nygren <nygren@MIT.EDU>
- ------- Forwarded Message
From: Monty <xiphmont@cs.titech.ac.jp>
I'm feeling vengeful at MS this week...
- - - ------- Forwarded Message
A program for "success"!
Microsoft marketing strategy(MARKET.EXE)
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /*Microsoft Network Connectivity library*/
#include <process.h> /*For the court of law*/
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if(latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if(there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if(sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);/*Standard Call in lie.h*/
if(rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if(rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers,stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers,start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff,permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch(nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY;
say("It will be ready in",today+30_days,"we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers,why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL,"Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG,"Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at lease 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM,"Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL,SAMSUNG,QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no,we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist,Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist,"Write a nice objective article");
release(journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while(vapourware)
{
introduction_date++;/*Delay*/
if(no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while(everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account+=150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if(customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem,not a software problem");
if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,"Keep an eye on this bastard");
}
}
}
if(there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company,stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers);/*in process.h*/
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/*Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us*/
order(plastic_surgeon,make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge(a_lot_of_money);
if(customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if(still_complains)
{
ignore(customers);
register(customer,Big_Bill_Book);
/*We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
