[1274] in Humor
HUMOR: Ask Mr. Writer
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Jan 23 11:13:04 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 1996 10:39:51 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Ask Mr. Writer
From: janos@netcom.com (Janos Gereben)
[From an (unfortunately) unknown source.]
As a public service to the Tech Writing Community, this space is
providing ASK MR. WRITER as a public service to the Tech Writing
Community. ASK MR. WRITER is a very occasional column that answers
readers' questions about technical writing. Please-- if you want
to know about Christie Brinkley, write to "Personality Parade."
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Dear ASK MR. WRITER:
I am a fifty-seven year-old technical writer with a problem.
Some of the younger tech writers here have begun calling me
"obsolete," and they sneak into my office and throw my punch
cards all over the floor. I'm beginning to think that
technology may be passing me the way you might pass a casava
melon after a long night's bender on rum and tropical fruits.
My question: should I get a certificate of Technical Writing?
I'm hoping that that would give me increased credibility while
not actually making me any smarter.
Signed,
MelonHead
Dear MelonHead:
As the profession of technical writing has matured, many companies look
for some sign of professional competence in the people they look to
hire. For others, a degree in technical writing may be sufficient.
The choice of whether to get a degree in technical writing or not is a
personal one. Many schools offer a range of programs that expose you
to the techniques, tools, principles, and practices of technical
writing, with hands-on exercises that, regrettably, do not include
holding a poisoned blowtorch to the seat of one of your review
engineers.
ASK MR. WRITER
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Dear ASK MR. WRITER:
I am not actually a technical writer. I am actually an
engineer. My problem? Well, besides being an engineer, it's
that I have been engaged for the past year and a half to a
lovely woman (I'll call her "Donald") who is a technical writer
at a large software company. "Donald" is in every respect a
wonderful woman -- kind, caring, and attractive but for the
large chunks of haggis stuck to her forehead -- but she insists
on correcting my grammar at every occasion. (I grew up in a
very impoverished family, and we were too poor to afford the
English language. Until I was thirteen years old we
communicated mostly by slamming our fists on our temples until
we passed out.) I love "Donald," but she is so determined to
correct my syntax that she will even sometimes reach over the
keyboard as I type in order to oh there you go, using
parenthetical expressions when they're not needed
Sign me,
Morbid in Mountain View
Dear Morbid:
There may be nothing short of a sledge-hammer lobotomy to cure you of
your engineeringness, but your lady friend has clearly stepped over a
line. It's quite possible that she is overcompensating for a lack of
self-confidence. Many tech writers feel inadequate around people who
can use a Lego set without looking things up in a table of contents.
Try not to bring up touchy subjects in her presence, such as money or
life or air. Also, show her that you sometimes need to read a manual,
even when you don't really feel like it. The next time she comes home,
be curled up on the couch with a copy of "Advanced B-Tree Sorting
Algorithms for Dummies." When she shows up wearing nothing but a lacy,
see-through index, compliment her. Show her you care.
ASK MR. WRITER
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Dear ASK MR. WRITER:
Can you please explain how computers work?
Signed,
Wondering in Redmond
Dear Wondering:
It's simple, really. Computers (so named after Alan "Computers"
Turing, the inventor of the analog digit) work on the principle of the
"binary" circuit. In a binary circuit, all data and operations are
reduced to simple choices: YES/NO, ON/OFF, CAPS/lower case. For
example, when you type into a word processor, the computer translates
your keystrokes into a series of binary decisions, such as "Cause user
to lose all his work? Y/N" or "Send important memo to wrong person?
Y/N." Using high-speed multiprocessors, or "chips," a computer is able
to perform hundred, thousands, or even millions of operations per
second, while making the user wait for twenty minutes while it
refreshes a screen. This is called "multi-tasking," as the user
usually goes off and gets an Oh Henry! bar from the snack machine while
the computer is running.
In fact, definitions of just what a computer is range from the pencil
on your desk to the Apple Lisa, although these are both wrong.
ASK MR. WRITER
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Dear ASK MR. WRITER:
Recently, my group has been converting to SGML. Is this a sign
of Armageddon?
Worried in Watsonville
Dear Worried:
Probably. In the Book of Daniel (5:25-29), we read the following:
Then was the part of the hand sent from him; and this written.
And this is the writing that was written, MENE, MENE, TEKEL
UPHARSIN.
This is the interpretation of the thing: MENE, God hath introduced
a second-level header into thy Kingdom.
TEKEL; Thou art moved two tab stops to the right, and thy margins
are no more.
PERES; Thy fonts are cursed; cursed be thy fonts; as the serpent is
cursed, so cursed are thee above all men; you big stinky head;
therefore art thou cursed; am I repeating myself here.
Thus is it said, Woe unto he worshipping false idols, the
worshippers of troff, of TeX, yea even unto the worshipper of
WordStar 1.2.
Clearly, then, the use of SGML would be considered false idolatry. May
I suggest sacrificing some RAM upon an altar?
ASK MR. WRITER
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Dear Ask Mr. Writer:
Is it okay if your badge smells faintly of urine?
Confused in Colorado
Dear Dazed:
No. Not Really. No.
ASK MR. WRITER
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Sick? Confused? Personally detestable? Write to ASK MR. WRITER with
your questions about tech writing, computers, the "information
highway," bodily pores, and the F2 key. Sorry, we are unable to answer
any questions about Christie Brinkley.
