[126] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave - Wonderbra
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 7 10:34:03 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 7 Mar 94 10:21:10 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc:
>Men, brace yourselves, Wonderbra soon will invade the U.S.
>
> NOTE: The following column deals with a Mature Subject
>Matter that may be highly offensive to some readers, so we are
>asking editors to please just put it in the newspaper without
>reading it. Thank you.
>
> I wish to discuss a serious threat to our national
>security now being posed by a foreign brassiere.
> It's called the "Wonderbra." I found out about it via an
>article in The New York Times written by Emily Prager, who comes
>right out and states that she does not have any cleavage ("I have
>no cleavage" are her exact words).
> This is why she was interested in the Wonderbra, which is
>apparently a legend in the fashion community. It has been
>manufactured and sold for over 30 years in Great Britain, where it
>is extremely popular because it makes women appear to have a
>larger, more uplifted set of fashion accessories. (The article
>doesn't say how the Wonderbra works, or who invented it. Maybe,
>after World War II, Great Britain was able to obtain the services
>of German scientists who had been working on the Nazis' top-secret
>Atomic Brassiere Project.)
> The Wonderbra is not yet sold in the United States, but it
>will be soon, so Emily Prager got hold of one and took it out for
>a test drive. Her goal, which she freely admits, right in The New
>York Times, was to get men to talk to her breasts -- not in the
>sense of walking up to them and saying, "Hi! How do you breasts
>like this weather we're having?"; but in the sense of talking to
>her while looking down at her breasts, the way guys often do, as
>though the breasts had urgent safety information written on them.
>Emily Prager wanted this to happen.
> This is why life is so complicated for men in the 1990s.
>On the one hand, if you DO look at a woman's breasts while you
>talk to her, she could conclude that you're a Neanderthal
>testosterone-oozing slimebag or a U.S. senator, and she could call
>the police, and you could end up being arrested for Sexual
>Harassment and Being A Creep. On the other hand, if you DON'T look
>at her breasts, it could turn out that she's a reporter for The
>New York Times, and you are actually hampering her efforts to
>carry out her journalistic duties, which are protected by the U.S.
>Constitution, which means you could wind up in federal prison
>awaiting trial on charges of Failure To Take A Gander.
> It is not easy, being a guy.
> Emily Prager did eventually get a man to talk to her
>breasts ("The Wonderbra and I had done our work," she reports).
>I am not surprised. Males have a lot of trouble not looking at
>breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at
>the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary
>biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was
>proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of
>leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked
>at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of
>which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes.
> "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over."
> I've been aware of this ever since my early adolescence,
>when my friends and I would spend hours gaping idiotically at
>pictures of breasts in somebody's older brother's collection of
>Playboy magazines, which were always stored under his mattress.
>(The primary cause of spinal problems in American males is that
>they spent their formative years sleeping on piles of Playboys.)
>What was ironic about those magazines was that they also contained
>endless droning essays by Hugh Hefner, outlining the various
>tenets of the intellectual philosophy of the Playboy Man;
>meanwhile, several pages away, the Playboy Man, who was actually
>in ninth grade, was staring at the various tenets of Miss August
>with lust-engorged eyeballs and a functional IQ in the rutabaga
>range.
> So we have three facts to consider:
> 1. Breasts make men stupid.
> 2. The Wonderbra makes breasts even more noticeable.
> 3. The Wonderbra is coming here.
> This is very bad for the United States. Look at what
>happened to Great Britain. At one time, there was no Wonderbra,
>and Great Britain ruled the richest and most powerful empire on
>Earth. Now, there is a Wonderbra, and Great Britain is a pathetic,
>shrunken nation with an economy based almost entirely on selling
>blurred photographs of Princess Diana working out.
> Coincidence? I think not.
> Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers
>of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be
>catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but
>mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now,
>but it will be even worse.
> What can we do about this threat? A nuclear strike against
>Great Britain would probably be overreacting at this point. A
>better idea would be to send over a delegation of top leaders to
>look into the Wonderbra, so to speak, and if we don't hear from
>them in a week, then we launch a nuclear strike. That is my
>primary recommendation. My secondary recommendation is that this
>delegation, with all due respect, should NOT include the
>President.
>
>(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
>DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
