[125] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave's Last Norway Column
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 7 10:30:27 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 7 Mar 94 10:17:58 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc:
> LILLEHAMMER, Norway -- This is my last column from Norway.
>I'm going back to the United States so I can thaw myself out and,
>as a public health service, set fire to my long underwear. Also,
>I'm hoping to turn on the TV and actually see some Winter Olympic
>sports; this is almost impossible to do when you're in Norway,
>what with all the mandatory Tonya Harding press events.
> I really enjoyed what I saw of the Olympics. My only
>criticism is that there are too many sports that American TV
>viewers cannot relate to, such as speedskating, which goes on
>forever (Today's Events: Men's 600 meters; men's 601 meters; men's
>601.1 meters; men's...). They should replace these events, as well
>as cross-country skiing, with winter sports that Americans enjoy
>and are good at, such as basketball.
> Also, I think the bobsled and luge events could be spiced
>up a little. The problem now is that they're too predictable: In
>the bobsled event, for example, the competitors ALWAYS ride in
>bobsleds, so you, the observer, always know exactly what you're
>going to see, namely, a bobsled whizzing past. It would be far
>more entertaining if the competitors were judged on the creativity
>of their vehicles.
> ANNOUNCER: "And here come the Americans ... they'll need
>a great run here to beat the Austrians, who came down in an Amana
>freezer .... OK, here they come, and they're riding ... MY GOD,
>THE ENTIRE TEAM IS RIDING ON A STANDARD COMMODE! DO YOU BELIEVE IN
>MIRACLES?"
> But these are minor quibbles. The Winter Olympics were
>great, and the Norwegians were helpful and cheerful to the point
>where I began to suspect that somebody was slipping industrial
>quantities of Prozac into their reindeer meat. I think we should
>give them all of our atomic weapons and ask them to take over the
>United States and run it. This would give us two major advantages:
>(1) Our country would become a LOT more civilized, and (2) We
>would have a king named "Harald."
> This is not to say that Norway is a perfect country. It
>has its flaws. It's cold a lot, and I was SHOCKED to discover
>this -- there are some Norwegians, possibly as many as six, who do
>not speak flawless English. So just in case you ever go to Norway
>in the winter, I have prepared, with the help of Norwegian Sissel
>Karlsen, this list of
> EMERGENCY NORWEGIAN PHRASES
> "Jeg forstaar deg ikke. Orevoksen rain har frosset." ("I
>do not understand you. My earwax has frozen.")
> "Politimann, en elg har spist [hatt] [frakk]
>[reisekamerten] min." ("Officer, a moose has eaten my [hat] [coat]
>[traveling companion].)
> Noen's taer hat fait av!" ("Look! Somebody's toes
>have fallen off!")
> "Hei! Det er MINE taer!" ("Hey! Those are MY toes!")
>
> Really, you should go over there. The Norwegians really
>seem to like Americans. One of my fondest memories of Norway is of
>a late night at the bar in the main Olympics press center; Mitch
>Albom, a fine sports columnist and musician, was playing the
>piano, and we were singing old rock songs -- "Wonderful World,"
>"Memphis," "Dream," songs like that. There was hardly anybody
>around besides the Norwegians, mostly volunteers, who staffed the
>press center, and they LOVED us. We were probably the number-one
>musical act in the entire press center at that hour. At one point
>we did a dramatic version of "My Girl," holding bananas for
>microphones and attempting some actual synchronized dance steps,
>and the crowd went WILD, at least for Norwegians.
> Finally, at about 2:30 a.m., we decided to close with one
>last song, "Land of 1,000 Dances." We sang a verse, then, as we
>reached the chorus, we turned to the crowd.
> "Come on, Norwegians!" we said. "Everybody join in!"
>And they did. We sang together, Americans and Norwegians,
>our voices filling the press center with words that came from our
>hearts:
>
> Na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na, na na na ...
>
> Call me sentimental if you want, but to me, that's what
>the Olympics are all about.
>
>(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
>DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
