[1203] in Humor
HUMOR (LONG): Misc. Bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Nov 15 15:23:59 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 1995 15:02:14 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 1995 08:27:50 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: 27 May 94 12:21:34 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.S
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From the GIGGLES mailing list
From: Rick Miessau <rick.miessau@SFWMD.GOV>
Would you believe CNN found an intersection in N.J. called:
Harding Way / Kerrigon St. they've been there for over 20 years!
- ------------------------------
From: Sandra Ritz <sritz@UHUNIX.UHCC.HAWAII.EDU>
If you're working in the U.S. health care system, you'll get this:
A managed care consultant dies and finds himself at heaven's gate. He can't
believe he is in heaven and is sure there has been a mistake. He asks St. Peter
to check the records. St. Peter looks at his papers & says, "Yep, you're
supposed to be here."
The managed care consultant asks, "Are you sure? To heaven? Not hell?"
"Yes," says St. Peter. "To heaven."
"Well," says the managed care consultant, "Better check the papers again."
St. Peter rustles through his papers again, points, and says, "See, it says
right here -- you're scheduled for heaven. You're authorized for three days".
- ------------------------------
From: Kim Ruthberg <RUTH5060@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU>
How does Clinton keep warm in the White House?
He avoids the draft!
- ------------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt <wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU>
What do you get when you cross an honest lawyer with an honest politician?
Answer: It's a rhetorical question; first you'd have to HAVE an honest
politician and an honest lawyer...
- ------------------------------
From: Drewpy <AXPER@ASUVM.INRE.ASU.EDU>
"Life is but a stage...and we are but players..."
-Shakespeare
"Unfortunately, I'm an understudy"
- Me
- ------------------------------
From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
There once was a woman who thought she could change the color of her hair by
losing weight. She got this idea when she was talking to a friend, saying,
"I'm tired of being a blonde. I want to be a brunette." Apparently, she was
confused when her friend replied, "Dye it."
- ------------------------------
From: J. Harbron N1EPONWP@IBMMAIL.COM
Another headstone paid by the creditors of the deceased--
"Owen Moore has gone away"
"Owin' more than he could pay!"
- ------------------------------
From: Ole Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Why do crooked bankers flee to Canada?
That's the only place they have Toronto
- ------------------------------
From: <KDC9622@ZEUS.TAMU.EDU>
"Inspector! Is there a seven foot Duck stalking the roofs of Gotham? And if
there is, is he on the police payroll? And if so, what's he pullin' down...
after taxes?"
- ------------------------------
From: <KDC9622@ZEUS.TAMU.EDU>
TODDLERS CREED: if you have ever worked with toddlers, you should relate to
this :)
If I want it, its mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, its mine.
If I can take it away from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If it is mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, its mine.
- ------------------------------
From: Mike Conners <conn0060@MAROON.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject: Bring your daughter to work day...
Yesterday, I found out about where my sister's best friend went for BYDTWD.
Her mom let her stay home, because she's unemployed....
- ------------------------------
From: Paulien Herder <Herder@INTERDUCT.TUDELFT.NL>
An old Tommy Cooper joke.....
A man bought at an auction for what he thought a reasonable price a
'Stradivarius" and a "Rembrandt". He was very happy with it, since the price he
paid was low, for objects of such famous people. He decided to go to some one
who was specialized in guessing the value of art objects (sorry, not familiar
with the english word for it) and he said: " Well sir, indeed it's a
"Stradivarius" and a "Rembrandt" , but it's only a pity that Stradivarius
couldn't paint and Rembrandt couldn't build violins.."
- ------------------------------
From: Michael Lindell <michael@ELSEWARE.COM>
Q. Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A. To tax the chicken.
- ------------------------------
From: Chris Willis <cwillis@BFC.COM>
This was in P.J. O'Rourke's article on Whitewater in this month's Rolling
Stone:
The Politician was campaigning through the South and stopped at one cabin.
"My, you have a fine family - eighteen boys!" he told the man in the cabin.
"All good Democrats, I suppose?"
"Well," the man said, "I tried to bring 'em up right, and they're all good
Christians, and all but Sam is Democrats - the ornery cuss, he got to readin'."
- ------------------------------
From: Richard Holtzman <HOLTZMAN@OSHKOSHW.BITNET>
Some years ago, psychology students at Cornell University got a little bored
with the lecture approach to learning and decided to conduct their own
experiment. They conspired to modify the professor's behavior as follows. Each
time he moved toward the door they would stop eye contact and look bored. When
he moved toward the window they perked up and listened attentively. Very soon
the poor professor was spending the entire hour sitting on the window ledge
pressing himself back against the pane, very pleased with the quality of his
lectures.
- ------------------------------
From: Carl Adler <PHADLER@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Before anyone flames me I would point out that I am quoting NPR (Natioal Public
Radio) which in turn was quoting Pope John Paul II. The Popes favorite joke:
"there are two solutions to the problem in Eastern Europe, the practical
solution and the miraculous solution. The practical solution is that the Virgin
Mary and the Archangels Gabriel and Michael would come down and set things
straight. That is the practical solution. The miraculous solution is the
Eastern European's would learn to compromise."
- ------------------------------
From: Robert Duncan <robert.duncan@USASK.CA>
Here is the story:
A man is walking with his dog on a road by a wide river when he sees a
monastery. Suddenly he trips a breaks his leg. A monk sees him and comes out
and gets him. He brings him into the monastery and puts him in a room above the
gate with only one door and no windows, since only monks are allowed into the
monastery proper. He binds the man's leg and says he'll take him to a hospital
in the morning. "Is there anything I can get?" the monk asks. "Yes," the man
says, "an apple and a string." "An apple and a piece of string? Why?" "Weeell,"
the man says, "I can't tell you: It's a secret". "Suit yourself" the monk says
and gets the apple and a piece of string. The next morning the monk comes to
get the man, the man is gone.
A year later the same man is riding his bike with his dog on his leash.
Suddenly a rabbit runs across the road and the dog chases it, pulling the bike
over and breaking the man's leg. The monk sees this and ......
Well it goes on the same way. The man always wants an apple and a string, but
never says why and always uses them to disappear. You are to tell many
versions, but with this same plot. You can make them as fantastic as you want:
the man is riding a sub. under the river, or a space ship. The monk disguises
himself as a SS soldier to torture the man, etc. etc. When I heard this told,
the teller went on for about 2 hours.
Finally you come to the last element.
Many years later, this man is walking down the road past the monastery with his
dog. This time he actually makes it past the monastery without tripping or
anything. But then he hears the monk calling for him as he runs out of the
monastery with a hammer in his hand. "You don't think you're getting away this
easy this year do you buddy?" the monk asks. He catches up with the man, breaks
his leg with the hammer and takes him back to the monastery. The man asks for
his apple and string as usual. "Why! WHY DO YOU WANT THEM?" the monk shouts.
"It's a secret!" the man says. "I'M A MONK, DAMMIT, I'M SUPPOSED TO KEEP
SECRETS, THAT'S MY JOB." "Oh, yeah," the man says. So he tells him.
At this point your [soon-to-be-ex] friends ask, "so what did he say?"
"I don't know," you respond, "he's a monk, he never told anybody."
Told you it was a shaggy dog story. It might be good if your on a long car ride
with some friends, though I'd recommend you tell it on the return part of the
trip so you don't get left on the side of the road somewhere far away from
home.
- ------------------------------
From: Jay Yew <jayyew@CSC.ALBANY.EDU>
I don't remember where I heard this...
A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up
behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesn't have
any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by
checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no
money. The robber curses and flees.
The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with
cash and deposits it.
- ------------------------------
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Farmers are upset because animal rights activists are trying to outlaw those
huge, round bails of hay. They claim the cows aren't getting a square meal.
- ------------------------------
From: Alar Pardla <alar@EL.EE> Subj: some jokes from Estonia
Client in a lowsy restaurant "How much more time will it take!!! Soon I will
die from hunger"
"Not in this restaurant You don't! We close up at 11pm!"
- ------------------------------
Old gentleman is walking in the evening in the park and sees a small boy. The
boy is looking at the sky that is a bit red in one edge. Old man says: "Oh, I
see, You can appreciate the beauty of the nature. Do You look at sun setting
every evening?"
"What do You mean - sun setting?" replies the kid, "It's our school that is
burning there!"
- ------------------------------
From: Paul Marquardt <MARPAUB@YALEVM.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Does anybody else have any true stories of drivers' ed? Three favorites of
mine:
Three high school students in suburban Detroit are out doing street driving
practice when the instructor falls asleep. They decide to see how far they can
get. The instructor did wake up...as they were approaching Mackinac (about 300
miles north)!
A Detroit high school, trying to keep things a little safer, did away with
street practice altogether and built a go kart-style course next door for
driving practice with real cars. Great idea--except that they lined up the
practice hill with the school, a student panicked and hit the gas instead of
the brakes, and the car wound up plowing into the wall of the principal's
office.
Finally, someone in my driver's ed. class actually made it as far as the road
test--but not much farther. Seems he got into the car with the examiner, put
it in reverse, and hit another car in the parking lot of the Secretary of
State's office.
- ------------------------------
From: ANGELINE SANDERS <BO10@UTMARTN.BITNET>
A HANDY TELEPHONE TIP:
Keep a small chalkboard near your phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you
can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he
hangs up.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Michmerhuizen <dave.michmerhuizen@ETAK.COM>
This joke illustrates the oft-overlooked fact that knowledge has economic
value:
A man wakes up one winter morning to a cold house. His furnace is out of
order. Nothing the man does has any affect on the furnace -- it just won't
work. So he calls in a furnace repairman and they go to the basement to have a
look at it.
The repairman circles the furnace once or twice and then gives it a sharp
kick. The furnace comes on and works flawlessly! The repairman scribbles on a
pad and hands the man a bill that reads..
"Furnace repair: $100."
The man says, "but you hardly did anything! I want an itemized bill!" So the
repairman scribbles some more and presents the man with a second bill that
reads..
"Furnace repair: "
" Kicking furnace -- $5"
" Knowing where to kick -- $95"
- ------------------------------
From: Tia Heath <tia.heath@SFWMD.GOV>
In the highest parts of the Smoky Mountains, Rangers there noticed the pines
were dying. Something had to be done. So they called in experts of every kind
to prevent this ecological disaster. No one could find an answer to cause or
cure the dying pines. A psychic/healer, after reading about the pines in the
newspaper, decided he would come and help. As rangers and reporters stood by
to witness, the psychic brought a dime from his pocket and laid it in his open
palm. As they looked on, his brow furrowed and beads of perspiration stood out
on his forehead. To everyone's amazement, the dime started twitching in his
palm as if it had a life of it's own! As the twitching increased to a
frenzied dance, the pines straightened their drooping boughs, and became
greener and healthier than before! The reporters rushed off to send in their
stories.
The headlines the next day read:
"A Twitchin' Dime Saves Pine"
- ------------------------------
From: "Paul. Francis. Hanson." <P.F.Hanson@COMPUTER-CENTRE.HULL.AC.UK>
I was told this a long time ago and I'm afraid I'm not even sure if it's true
but.....
Apparently if you take a catholic to a police station in England you can still
claim a reward of half a crown (old money). This dates back to when being a
catholic in England was considered naughty.
- ------------------------------
From: Marianne Cushman <clamxc@TEC.NH.US>
A Vermonter will tell you:
That neighors can be good friends, but it won't pay to be too neighborly.
That travel may broaden a man's horizon but staying home and taking care of the
farm puts more in his pocket.
That independence is better that riches.
That you can't always judge a cow by her looks.
That it is better to wear out than rust out.
That Californians like to brag about their weather, but they never have a
chance to really appreciate beautiful days the way we do in Vermont - when
occasionally we get one.
- ------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
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