[1166] in Humor
HUMOR: Musical Shaggy Dog Story
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Oct 27 11:11:28 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc: bales@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 11:08:32 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 1995 23:18:00 -0700
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "Scott Johnson" <sdj@Rational.COM>
For Music Lovers Everywhere
The world's best, and most famous conductor makes a small
mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra.
The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice
either, but he knew he'd made the mistake, and decided that
he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he
turned and faced the audience, and said "Ladies and
Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class
conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and
orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He
walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager,
standing in between to gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you
don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after
week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in
bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her
and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small
hand-gun?"
"Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began
with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once
the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said
"I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is
my last performance."
The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You
can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his
hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long
before the police arrived, and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you
plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge
inquired.
"Guilty your honor", the conductor replied.
"Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in
this state is death by electrification?", the judge added.
The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the
conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing
on like he was.
"Yes your honor", the conductor said.
While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the
guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last
request before we terminate your life. What would you like?"
After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A
silver platter with a dozen bananas."
His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the
bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked.
The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one
guard was about the flick the switch again, he was stopped.
"He survived the chair, and the law says we have to let him
go."
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his
manager, and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to
work", his manager said.
More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again
one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could get me a
grenade?"
"Yes dear", she replied.
At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end
of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies.
"For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he
yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin,
and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded,
killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he
was taken away again.
"You again?", the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you
to death not long ago?"
The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you plead to 23 counts
of first degree murder?", the judge said.
"Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.
While the settings were changed to triple the voltage and
the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted
another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen
bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas, the room
was evacuated, and the switch was flicked. It appeared that
they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were
realized when the conductor regained consciousness as they
were about to remove his body. His manager, and the two
gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as his left
the building. "Back to work."
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he
could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he
asked his wife as they lay in bed.
"Yes dear", she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even
wait for the concert to start. "Go to hell!" he screamed,
and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra,
killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called in
this time, and he was dragged away.
"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!",
the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged.
"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree
murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the
bastards deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.
A public announcement was issued to all local residents
warning that there would be a short cut in the power.
Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy
re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric
chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.
"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said. He
scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated,
and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some
2 kilometers away. The building exploded, reducing it to
rubble. They fished through the ruins, to find the
conductor's ruined body.
His funeral was held some days later, and as the casket was
being lowered into the grave, there was a knock on the
coffin lid. People fainted as the conductor crawled out of
coffin, alive!
He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood
up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric
chair. How did you do it?" "I've tried telling people
before", he said.
"I'm just a bad conductor."
