[1145] in Humor
HUMOR: The weird world
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Oct 19 08:52:15 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 08:49:53 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 18 Oct 1995 15:40:48 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 20:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for October 02, 1995
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Tacoma, Washington:
Doctor Doo-little, he's not.
Actually Tom Gannon, compost coordinator for Woodland Park Zoo, is more
of a Dr. Doo-lots, especially this time of year when he's busy
coordinating the Fall Fecal Festival, and preparing for the Holi-Doo Sale,
the zoo's popular programs of selling what Gannon calls the "well-rounded
feces of endangered species."
Each year the zoo sells about 325 tons of manure, raising $23,000 in
revenue and saving $60,000 in landfill costs.
The compost, made only from herbivore manure and then batch tested for
safety, is considered premium fertilizer.
"To a plant this stuff is Ben & Jerry's," Gannon said, adding that the
manure comes in three flavors -- smooth and creamy, chunky and extra
chunky. Cost is $16 per cubic yard, or $40 for a full-size pick-up. For
the holiday sales, when the "blessings from Santa's reindeers" are popular
gag gifts, they cost $5 for a two gallon bag.
Elephants, who each produce 45 tons of manure a year, are by far the
biggest contributors. They also produce some of the best quality product.
"When you talk about manure, you have to consider the plop factor," said
Gannon. "The ploppier it is, the better it generally is. Elephant and
rabbit poop are almost identical: rich, dry and bouncy. They're great.
But pig and cattle manure is less nutritive, because those animals have
more efficient digestive systems. Birds, however, are an exception to
the rule."
When buying the zoo-doo, expect service to be minimal.
"Those who whine about having to shovel will be forced to use a spoon and
those who complain about having to load manure themselves will be
composted to the full extent of the law," Gannon joked.
Buyers don't seem to mind. Already the fall fecal batch is mostly gone,
and the elephants are hard at work replenishing the stockpile.
Gannon, a man who clearly enjoys his work, also uses some of the following
self-bestowed titles: Emperor of excrement, Shaka of caca, Grand pooh
pooh bah, Pharaoh of feces, Doody lama, Captain Compost and "Signing off
to go do the Zoo-doo that Dr. Doo do so well."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Yaounde, Cameroon:
A male and female crocodile, captured on the outskirts of Cameroon's
capital, were burned in public by traditional healers who said the animals
were bewitched.
Up to 300 residents watched as the healers adorned the male reptile with
a beard and pants, and the female with hair and red nail polish on its
claws, before setting them ablaze.
Locals, who chipped in for the cost of the gasoline, blamed the male for
a spate of road accidents on a bridge under which it lived, and some
believed that both of the beasts were responsible for disappearances of
people.
Sightings of crocodiles are rare in Yaounde, a city of nearly 1 million
people.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"USA Today was able to condense the whole thing down to 25 words and a
pie chart."
- -- Jay Leno, "Tonight Show" host, on the Washington Post's publication
of the Unabomber's 35,000-word manifesto.
