[1112] in Humor
FWD>HUMOR- The Sesame Stree
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Katy Oldham)
Wed Oct 4 07:27:15 1995
Date: 4 Oct 1995 04:25:41 -0700
From: "Katy Oldham" <Katy_Oldham@mesaqm.sps.mot.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Mail*Link( SMTP FWD>HUMOR: The Sesame Street Tragedy
Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 21:00:57 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Dan Wallach <t-danwa@microsoft.com>
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street,
has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
including Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend,
roommate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly
holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New
York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at
this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City
Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports
that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird
was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at
them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird
in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the
Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning
Maria.
NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird
was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a
killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal,
has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie
Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a
green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay
paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report
that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay
away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the
muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at
how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders
on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be
allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building
with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his
lover Bert.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five
o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a
sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets
became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the
streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten
muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large,
Styrofoam letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this
hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame
Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry
muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are
looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange
and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops,
props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the
ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above
the street with counting and alphabet songs.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame
Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On
the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night
of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to
death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet -- still
animated with life -- can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping
vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street
crying and yelling: "Ten, Ten Lifeless Muppet Bodies!" No humans were
killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet
Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass
muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame
Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for
advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many
paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country."
I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met
him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to
love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to
memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all
creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a
bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.
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From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: The Sesame Street Tragedy
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Apparently-To: "Katy_Oldham-RP2933@email" <katy_oldham@mesaqm.sps.mot.com>
