[105] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave on Taxes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Feb 24 22:01:09 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Reply-To: drewsome@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 94 21:58:47 EST
Subject: Amateur tax tips
Today I am announcing the first-ever Amateur Tax Tips
Contest, featuring an exciting prize, as well as an opportunity
for some lucky winners to serve lengthy terms in federal prison.
The purpose of the Amateur Tax Tips Contest is to provide
normal people with practical, real-life answers to their tax
questions, as opposed to the complex and vague "advice" we so
often see in columns written by the kind of goody-two-shoes money
geeks who actually save their receipts and record their mileage
and file their tax returns on Jan. 2 and finished their science-
fair projects early. I'll give you an example of what I mean.
QUESTION: "How much can I deduct for a business office in
my home?"
COMPLEX, VAGUE MONEY-GEEK ANSWER: "Calculate the size of
the office as a percentage of the total living area, then use this
figure to compute the pro rata costs of utilities, mortgage
interest, taxes and insurance."
PRACTICAL, DOWN-TO-EARTH ANSWER: "$6,532.87"
That's what we taxpayers want: concrete information. We
don't want: "Total your amortized capital depreciation as
specified in Schedule C, section 873, subsection VII, verses xii
and xiii." We want: "Put down that you lost $3,832.24 operating
a perch farm."
Perhaps you think I am suggesting something dangerous
here. Perhaps you do not believe that the Internal Revenue Service
(Motto: "We'11 Answer The Taxpayer Assistance Hotline When You
Pry The Coffee Cup From Our Cold, Dead Fingers") would allow you
to take anything so ridiculous as a perch-farm deduction.
Listen: You can deduct anything. People have deducted used
underwear. And when I say "people," I of course mean "Bill
Clinton." According to news reports, in past years President
Clinton deducted as much as $2 per pair for used underwear that he
donated to the Salvation Army, which in turn gave the underwear to
some needy individual, who in turn threw it into a Dumpster.
No, really, I'm sure this needy individual wore Mr.
Clinton's former underwear in a profoundly grateful manner. And I
applaud Mr. Clinton's generosity. Although I am troubled somewhat
by the idea of any guy voluntarily giving up his underwear.
Whoever says that guys are unwilling to make lifetime commitments
clearly has not examined the intimate bond that can develop
between a guy and his briefs. If a guy's wife secretly throws a
veteran pair of his underwear away, the guy will sense that
something is wrong, and he'll whistle in a distinctive manner, and
his underwear will leap out of the garbage and bound toward him
like a loyal retriever. That's how close the guy-underwear bond
is.
Call me heartless, but I've never donated my used
underwear to anybody. The irony is that I happen to own a set of
briefs that are probably quite valuable, inasmuch as they are
signed, in ink, by a well-known humor writer. (There's a perfectly
innocent explanation, but he's embarrassed about it, so as a
courtesy to him I'm not going to reveal his name here.) (Instead,
I'll reveal it here: Roy Blount Jr.) I estimate that, for tax-
deduction purposes, these briefs are worth $2,473.02. Notice that
I use an exact-sounding number here. That is one of the most
important Amateur Tax Tips:
ALWAYS USE AN EXACT-SOUNDING NUMBER WHEN YOU ARE MAKING
SOMETHING UP. The Internal Revenue Service goes over tax returns
with dogs that are specially trained to bark angrily when they
find round numbers. If you HAVE to use a round number for some
bizarre reason, such as that it is actually true, you should put a
little note in the margin that says "This number is actually
true."
ALWAYS "DOUBLE-CHECK" ALL FIGURES. I say this in light
of a 1993 Washington Post article concerning a Centreville, Md.,
man who received a bill from the IRS for -- I am not making this
up -- $68 billion. A lot of careless taxpayers would have simply
paid this bill, but this man had the presence of mind to question
it, and as a result he will be eligible for parole in just 224
years.
No, seriously, he got it straightened out. The Post
article doesn't say exactly how; my guess is that he will be
allowed to make two easy payments of $34 billion. This just goes
to show that ordinary taxpayers CAN "beat the system." And you
can help them, by sending in YOUR tip to our Amateur Tax Tips
Contest. Send in anything that you think might be helpful to other
taxpayers, including a photograph of the IRS commissioner naked.
The only restriction is that whatever you send MUST BE ON A POSTAL
CARD. Send your card to: Amateur Tax Tips, c/o Judi Smith, Miami
Herald, Miami, Fla. 33132. I'll report the best tips just before
April 15. The people who suggested them will receive a handsome
mention of their names in this column, as well as a chance to be
audited for life. The person who suggests the best tip will
receive, at tremendous personal tax-deductible sacrifice to me, a
historic literary object that has been valued, in print, at
$2,473.02. I may even wash them first.
(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
