[104] in Humor
HUMOR: SPECIAL OLYMPIC DAVE! (part 5)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Feb 24 21:59:11 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Reply-To: drewsome@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 94 21:56:53 EST
Subject: Exposing Tonya, reporters' real interest
LILLEHAMMER, Norway -- In a moment I will be bringing you
an exclusive photograph of Tonya Harding naked with a reindeer,
but first we have this news bulletin concerning:
BOBSLEDDERS ON DOPE
According to the official Olympic news agency, the driver
of the Austrian two-man bobsled team was sent home because he
"tested positive in anti-doping control." This is extremely
alarming news, because it seems to suggest that there might be
bobsled competitors here who are NOT on dope. Let me just state
that I, personally, would not consider going down a bobsled run
unless huge quantities of narcotics were coursing through my
bloodstream. If I were on the bobsled team, I would carry a
syringe in my uniform so I could give myself additional dope
injections on the way down.
I want to stress, however, that I am not putting dangerous
substances of any kind into my body, other than mass quantities of
Norwegian beer, because I want to remain alert now that Tonya
Harding is finally here. We in the American news media are so
happy about this that we want to hurl our hats into the air, but
of course we don't, because our hair would freeze solid and break
off like No. 8 spaghetti.
We are crazy mad in love with this story. We were bored to
death with watching Olympic sporting events such as the Men's 10
Kilometer Alpine Uphill Snow Shoveling. We are not here to cover
winter sports: We are here for Human Interest, by which I mean,
dirt. We also like tragedy. If we had our way, the Olympic
athletes would be selected solely on the basis of having extremely
tragic and/or depraved lives, and they'd never actually engage in
athletic competition. They'd just stand around the media center
and let us do Human Interest stories on how they had managed to
become Olympic biathlon contenders despite being born with four
stomachs, or whatever.
That is why we love the Tonya Harding story so much, and
-- admit it -- so do you. And that is why, as I promised at the
beginning of the column, I am pleased to present the following
EXCLUSIVE PHOTOGRAPH OF TONYA HARDING NAKED WITH A REINDEER.
(Note to Editor: Please insert the exclusive photograph
here. For caption purposes, please note that Miss Harding is the
one on the right.)
I have not yet seen Tonya Harding in person, because for
security reasons she is surrounded at all times by a dense, 400-
foot thick protective layer of journalists. I did, however, see
Nancy Kerrigan. She was sitting with her agent in the audience of
the pairs figure-skating competition. (Yes! There are figure
skaters here besides Nancy and Tonya! I was shocked.) I did not
actually interview Miss Kerrigan, but I would say, just judging
from the back of her head, that she was relaxed but apprehensive,
as well as hopeful, yet striving to remain focused on the task
ahead. Or maybe that was the agent.
Pairs figure skating is a very dramatic event. It consists
of two people: a tiny, relentlessly perky woman wearing a cute
little costume with lots of beads and sequins; and a large, strong
man, who has to wear a costume that matches the woman's, so he
looks like a complete twink out there. You can tell he's really
ticked off about this, because every 30 seconds or so, when
they've built up a good head of steam on the ice, he hauls off and
throws the woman as far as she can, which is pretty darned far,
because most of these women are no heavier than a box of breakfast
cereal. Sometimes the woman falls down when this happens, but she
always jumps right back up and skates perkily back toward the man.
"DON'T DO IT!" you want to shout at her. "HE'S JUST
GOING TO THROW YOU AGAIN!"
And sure enough he does. Finally, he becomes exhausted and
stops; then the judges hold up numbers indicating how far they
estimate the woman traveled, in meters, on the best toss. The
Russians always win this event. There will come a time, within our
lifetimes, when a Russian male skater will throw a Russian female
skater completely out of the rink. This is the four-minute mile of
the sport.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: We regret that due to the Tonya
Harding situation, there will be no update today on the wolf-urine
story.
(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
